Take a Lemon

When we got back to the table, Geoff greeted me. “Hey, Marsh! Alvin says he’s going to do Sweeney Todd next term. Are you going to audition?”

“Uh… yeah, I definitely will. Sure.” With all that was going on, auditions were not where my head was, just now.

I reached for my seat, but before I could sit down, he asked, “Hey, you ready to dance some more?”

I exchanged glances with Nikki. I didn’t want to believe that Geoff was coming on to me. We were friends, I told myself, and he just wanted to dance – that’s all there was to it. I could have done without a little bit of his exuberance, though; when I nodded, he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dance floor.

We didn’t quite get there.

“Marsh?” Vicky intercepted us in the hallway that led to the dance floor, pulling Kevin after her. Was I going to run into everybody I knew tonight? Then I noticed that Vicky was staring back and forth at Geoff and me, staring at our hands. I quickly pulled my hand free.

“Um… Geoff and I were just going to dance,” I stammered. Vicky kept staring. “We were with a bunch of other people and just decided to come over here ahead of them.”

“But Lee Ann and the others will be joining us soon,” Geoff added.

“Will they? Then if I want to talk to you, I’d better do it now, before they get here, hadn’t I?” Vicky said, thoughtfully. “Kev, could I have a few minutes to talk with my girlfriend?”

“We were about to dance, Babe,” Her creepy date insisted.

“I know,” she pleaded. “Just a few minutes, OK?” Then her voice turned sultry. “I’ll make it worth your while,” and she kissed him so passionately that I had no doubt that they were lovers.

“C’mon, Dude,” he said to Geoff when they’d finished. “Lets grab some drinks.”

I stared in shock as the boys left and then mindlessly followed Vicky to a small nearby table. “Was that for my benefit?” I challenged her, once I had regained my composure.

“I… just wanted to talk to you,” she replied, uncertainly.

“I mean… him. That kiss. You’re clearly beyond just first date territory, here.”

“I have needs,” she said, defensively, “and they weren’t being met.”

“And now they are?” I demanded.

“Well, I’ve had better, but better isn’t available just now, so I’m doing the best I can.” Then she looked me right in the eyes. “Are you?”

“I… what do you mean?”

“I mean, what kind of progress are you making on changing back?”

“Not… much,” I admitted.

“Do you even care anymore? Last I heard, you weren’t coming to House Parties. Something about not having a date, if I remember correctly? You seem to have taken care of that little matter. And seriously, Marsh. Geoff? Your old roommate? Doesn’t that seem a bit incestuous?”

“I… no, you’ve got it all wrong,” I insisted. I could see how she could have gotten the wrong idea about all of this, but… “I didn’t go last night, but I was miserable and lonely, and Lee Ann suggested that I should really go tonight, and so after sitting home for a while I just decided to come hang out with my friends.”

“I see. And Lee Ann just handed Geoff over to you?”

“No! I mean… I decided to come over here ahead of everybody else, and Geoff didn’t think he should let me walk by myself.”

“How gallant of him. And you decided to reward him by spending the night in his arms.”

“It’s not that way at all, Vicky! We were just going to dance! There’s nothing special about just dancing.”

“Hey, Marsh, is a Diet Coke OK?” Geoff called, to my relief. Anything would beat getting the third degree from Vicky just now.

Kevin mumbled something that sounded like, “gotchawontoo” and put a can in front of Vicky.

“Thanks, Babe,” Vicky said, favoring him with a smile that I felt was needlessly servile. Then she turned to Geoff, who had just sat down next to me. “So, Geoff, the last time I saw you, you were with Lee Ann…?”

“Oh, yeah,” he laughed. “Marsh warned me that she had a steady boyfriend, but just ignored her. So now Marsh and I are commiserating.”

My conversation with Vicky must have dulled my wits, or I would have realized what was going to happen next and maybe figured out a way to prevent it. But I didn’t, and Vicky pounced on that word.

“Commiserating?” she asked, puzzled.

“Yeah, her crush was dancing with his girlfriend over at Blair and she got really upset, so we came over here.”

I wanted to slide under the table. This was not the way I had wanted Vicky to find out.

“Her… crush?” she repeated, faintly. “Her…?” The look she gave me was filled with horror. “You…?” I saw her lower lip quiver. She moved her mouth as though she wanted to say something, but suddenly broke into tears and ran from the table.

“Vicky!” I shouted, as both Kevin and I leaped to our feet.

“What the…? Where…” he exclaimed, chasing after her. I followed, but when we got to the hallway, she was nowhere to be seen. Kevin looked around wildly and ran up the nearby stairs, while I headed for the ladies room.

“Vicky?” I called as pushed open the door. I didn’t see anybody. “Vicky, are you in here?”

“Go away!” she sobbed from inside one of the stalls. “I don’t want to talk to you!”

“Vixy, listen to me,” I said as soothingly as I could, placing my head against her stall so that I could keep my voice down.

“Why?! I was just teasing you about Geoff. I didn’t think you really… but you are, aren’t you? That’s why you haven’t changed back. You’re not interested anymore, are you?”

“Vix, it’s not true,” I insisted.  “Of course I want to change back. Look, can we go someplace maybe a bit more private?”

“I’m not going anywhere!” she snapped, still crying. “Are you saying that Geoff was lying? That you’re not really obsessed with some boy?”

“I… Vix, I know this is hard for you. Can’t you imagine what it’s like for me? My body, brain… they don’t react to things the way I expect. I ran into Jeremy this morning, and I was shocked at my reaction. I didn’t know that I was going to feel this way about him. It’s torture, Vix! I can’t help feeling like this, finding him… well, really attractive. And it hurts that, well, he’s not available. You know what that’s like, don’t you? But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to change back. I want to even more than ever. Eric says he’s working on something; it just hasn’t panned out yet.”

I heard her still sobbing softly.

“Vixy, the way I feel about you hasn’t changed; I’m still hoping we can work everything out. But what if we can’t? What if I’m stuck? Are you saying that I shouldn’t try to find romance and love and everything where I can, if I can? Do you have any idea how strange all of this is to me? As you said, I’m doing the best I can. Do you think I like that you’re with Kevin? Don’t you think it was painful for me, seeing you kiss him like that? But I understand; I have to understand. All I’m asking is that you try to understand me, as well.”

She opened the door, and stood in front of me, hands on hips, her makeup completely ruined by her tears. Looking down at me from her greater height, she said, “You’re asking a lot, you know.”

“I know, Vix.”

“How am I supposed to accept this, Marsh? You being… in love with a boy?”

“I’m not in love with him, Vicky. I just… I just wish I could be with him, and I wish I didn’t feel that way. But I have to figure it out. I mean, I might… I might be stuck like this. Do I really want to be alone all my life… even if that means… boys? Would you want me to be alone, if I’m really stuck?”

“You’re not being fair, Marsh! How can you ask me that?”

“Because it’s important!” Why wasn’t she getting this? “My life, my very being has been turned upside down. I don’t want to go through life alone, never having anybody to hold and to love and to kiss… What’s not fair is you expecting that for me. What’s not fair is you sleeping with another guy when you keep expecting us to be a couple, and yet getting all bent out of shape if I even hold hands with a boy!”

I saw her flinch. She looked away and wrung her hands for a moment before speaking. “It’s… it’s like I don’t know you anymore, Marsh. Like you’re not the boy I knew and loved.”

“No, you stop that!” I yelled. “I am me, Vixy. I am the guy you knew.” And raising doubts about that right now is about the worst thing you could do to me. “But I’m stuck for now like this, and I have to deal with it. And if you really care about me, you’ll try to accept that and cut me some slack. It’s not my choice to be attracted to Jeremy. It’s not my choice to be a girl. This is harder on me than it is on you!”

“You’re making me out to be a bad person,” she protested.

“I’m not…” I started, but just then, the door opened and another girl came in and saw us.

“Um… are you guys going to be yelling at each other for a while? Would it be OK if I used the toilet?” she asked.

Vicky and I looked at each other. “I think we’re done here,” I snapped. “Vicky, call me if you want to talk about this anymore,” and I walked out to find Geoff. I felt bad, having left him alone like that. I had probably just completely destroyed my relationship with Vicky, and I felt horrible about that, but just now I was so angry, I didn’t feel like doing anything about it. But Geoff hadn’t done anything to me, and I owed him an explanation or an apology, or something.

I found him waiting impatiently for me, alone, at Alvin and Nikki’s table. When he spotted me, he ran to greet me.  “Hey, Marsh, is everything OK?” he asked. He actually sounded concerned, which made me feel even guiltier.

“Not particularly,” I told him, trying not to snarl, as he escorted me back to the table. “Vicky and I had it out in the bathroom, and for all I know, she’ll never want to talk to me again.”

“Wow… I’m really sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, it’s complicated,” I said, “We’ve had some… disagreements, and it all came to a head tonight.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

Talk about it? I stared for a moment, realizing that I had no desire to talk about it whatsoever. Somehow, fighting with Vicky had made me feel less feminine than I had in weeks. My blood was boiling, and the last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it to anybody else. “Not really,” I said.

“Well then, did you want to dance?” Geoff asked hopefully, managing to find something I wanted to do even less than talk.

“No, I’m sorry, Geoff. I’m just really not in the mood right now.”

“I could rub your back,” he offered.

I sighed and shook my head. “Geoff, you’re really being sweet, but I’m in a rotten mood right now. I’m not sure I’m fit company to be with. I’ve got half a mind to just go home, although I’ll probably be miserable, sitting by myself.”

“If  I could suggest…” he started.  I looked at him, and then he continued. “Why don’t we just take a walk? You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to – you can even pretend I’m not there – but if you do decide to talk, I’ll be there to listen.”

It was really generous offer, and I couldn’t think of any objections. Besides, I did feel I owed him something, so I nodded. A few minutes later, we had grabbed our coats and headed out into the night.