Take a Lemon

I had little time to react to Tina’s revelation, because Joey suddenly appeared at our door, even more casually dressed than his sister, in jeans and a t-shirt. “Hey, you girls coming or what? Gran wants everybody in the dining room now.”

“Um, hi, Joey,” I stammered. It was strange to find myself looking up at him, although that was hardly unexpected. What was odder is that I no longer felt any need to yell at him; after all, he’d only sold my guitar – I’d killed his only brother. What right did I have to complain?

“Yeah, hi, Marsh. Hi, Teen,” he muttered. “Anyway, Gran wants you downstairs.” And he hurried ahead of us.

I grabbed Tina’s arm as she moved to follow him. “Wait. I can’t go down now! I have to process this. Did you even hear what I said?”

“Marsh, there’s no time. Grandma’s expecting us. Look, nobody’s going to ask about this… this non-existent cousin; they’ve never heard of him. We’ll talk tonight and figure things out.”

“But–” I started, but she was already following Joey down the steps, so I ran after them.

In the dining room, Tina and I gave Uncle Doug and Aunt Jackie hugs, and Tina received the usual exclamations over how much she’d grown. I couldn’t help looking at them closely, searching for signs of mourning. I knew it was foolish; I was the only one, probably in the world, who had any memories of Tyler, but still… I mean, how could parents lose a child and not know somehow that something was wrong?

Again, there really wasn’t time to think about it, as Grandma started the meal. “Well,” she smiled, “I’m so glad to see everybody today! Jackie, Miriam, and I have worked hard to make you all a delicious dinner. Shall we sit down?”

At Grandma’s house, we follow Grandma’s rules. Uncle Doug held Grandma’s chair for her, and then did the same for Aunt Jackie. Joey seated his sister. Last year, I had done the same for Tina; this year, Dad seated Mom, and then Tina and me. I was probably a bit awkward, never having had anyone hold my seat for me before, but if anybody noticed, they didn’t say anything. Of course, I had my mind elsewhere.

Once “the ladies” had all been seated, Dad, Uncle Doug, and Joey headed into the kitchen to bring out the food. Uncle Doug had presumably carved the turkey while Tina and I were upstairs, and now circled the table, serving us. Dad parceled out stuffing and carrot stew, while Joey served green beans. The guys had to do two rounds since there were only three of them; last year, there had been five of us, and that just drove in Tyler’s absence even more for me.

I kept watching Aunt Jackie. She was talking with Mom and laughing, and all I could think about was, how could she laugh? I forced myself to eat; the turkey was quite good, as usual, and Mom’s green beans were always my favorite. I didn’t realize that somebody was saying my name until Tina elbowed me.

“Marsha?” Grandma looked at me with concern. “Are you all right? I asked you how school was going.”

“Oh!” I said, wrenching my attention back to the meal, “Sorry, Grandma. Um… It’s OK. I mean… I think I’m doing well in my classes, and… I really like my Organic Chemistry prof.”

“Yes…?”

“And… um, I’m in a play – I actually have the female lead – and we’re just about ready for the performance.”

“Good…”

“And…” I groped for something else to tell her beyond the standard answer I’d given everyone else, but the news about Tyler had me totally rattled. “I’m learning to sew… better, I mean. I mean, a friend is teaching me new techniques. Techniques I didn’t already know.” My face was hot. I couldn’t believe I had said that.

“Really?” Mom asked, staring at me. “Like what?”

I ignored Tina’s choking. “Um… you know, like… different stitches. Um… I… I don’t remember what they’re called.”

“Well, you’ll have to show me, after dinner.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Tina staring at me in horror.

“Uh…. Right,” I gasped. Pretty much everybody at the table was staring at me, so I looked away. I looked down, I looked across the table… And that might have been a mistake, since across the table from me was at Tara, and to her left was the place where Tyler should have been.

I guess I sort of whimpered, because Dad then joined in. “Princess, what is it?”

“Uh, noth– I mean… I’m just…” and then I couldn’t stand it any longer, pushed back my chair and ran from the dining room, shouting, “Excuse me!” over my shoulder as I did.

I stopped in the living room across the hallway and tried to catch my breath. Calm down! I admonished myself. This is your family! They’re on your side! I was hyperventilating. I was trying really hard to clear my mind – to get myself under control. And I didn’t even hear Mom follow me, so I jumped when she put her hands on my shoulders.

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“N– nothing,” I stammered. “I mean…”

She turned me to face her. “Tell me, baby. Tell me.” And she pulled me into her arms.

That was it. The damn broke, and I collapsed in tears on her shoulder, “It’s my fault, Mom. I did it, and I’m never going to see him again!”

Mom rubbed my back and cooed at me, “Shhh… It’s going to be fine. It’s going to work out.”

“No, no, it’s not!”

“It’ll be OK, Marsh. You’ll see. And if not, there are plenty of other boys. You’ll meet somebody else.”

“No,” I insisted. “I killed him. I killed Tyler! It’s my fault he’s gone!”

I felt Mom hesitate. “You–” Then she resumed, “Marsh, you didn’t… You… W–wait. Tyler? I didn’t think you were dating anybody. Why would you…?”

I pushed myself away. I had to get this out now. I had to explain. “Not like that, Mom. Not a boy at school.”

“Oh?”

I hugged myself and turned away. “I… At school, I signed up for an experiment. As a volunteer, you know?”

“Yes…?”

“And… they changed us. They went back in time and changed us. There’s a whole group – they call themselves, ‘strangers in the mirror,’ because that’s what we see.”

“You see… stop. Back up. And look at me when you’re talking.”

“That’s… It’s an experiment. A physics experiment. In time-travel. But we each woke up and we’re different.” I was whining, and I knew it, but I couldn’t help myself.

Mom crossed her arms and gave me a hard look. “What do you mean, ‘different’?”

“I mean… well…” I was suddenly unsure of exactly how much I wanted to tell her. I decided to wait to tell her about the sex change thing. “I look… not the way I used to. I look like I could be my old self’s sister.”

“Uh huh. And Tyler? He did the experiment, too?”

“No… Tyler is… was… my cousin. Joey and Tara’s little brother – and now he’s gone. He was never born.”

Mom sighed and put the back of her hand on my forehead, as if she thought I might have a fever. “Marsh, I think you might be under too much pressure. Do you… want to think about taking the next semester off?”

“No,” I insisted, pulling away. “This is not about me. I mean, it’s annoying and uncomfortable and freaking me out, but at least I’m still alive. Tyler is gone, Mom. He’s gone, and nobody even remembers him. And it’s all my fault.”

“Marsh,” Mom said, putting her hands on my upper arms. “There is no Tyler. There never was a Tyler. Doug and Jackie never had a third child.” She pulled me back into hug. “Baby, now I’m really worried. I wonder if I should even let you go back to school next week.”

I started to pull away again, but she just hugged me even tighter. “I know you want to go back, and if you can convince your father and me that you’ll be all right, we won’t try to stop you, but I think you probably need to pull back a bit. You’re working too hard.”

I moaned. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“Well… Of course I believe you, Baby. But you have to understand how crazy this is. College experiments are safe. They have to be. When your father and I were in school, I volunteered for a psych experiment in which I had to drink something and then sing. The idea was to see if alcohol would lower your inhibitions enough that you wouldn’t be embarrassed to keep on singing, so they gave me a cup full of mint-flavored liquid that might or might not contain alcohol.

“The student who designed the experiment had wanted to give people the equivalent of four drinks, to really get them a bit intoxicated, but the school wouldn’t let them. So each volunteer could only get at most the equivalent of a single drink. They don’t take chances with students’ health. So how could they possibly make an experiment that physically changed you?”

“I don’t know, Mom, but they did. I found… a really close friend who had volunteered, too, and we both remember each other from before. Things are different, Mom. They’re different. I have different roommates, and… some people have different phone numbers… and Tyler was never born.”

I felt her sigh. “Marsh, I don’t know what to do with you. You have this idea… did this start before your midterm break?”

“It started the first morning of break, Mom, when I woke up different.”

“I wondered. You did seem to be acting a bit oddly, but I thought that you would tell me if you were under too much pressure already. But now with your insistence on this ‘Tyler’… I just don’t know, Marsh. I just don’t know. Have you told anybody else about… about ‘killing Tyler’?”

“I just told Tina. She didn’t believe me, either. And she knew about the experiment already.”

“She did?”

“I told her not to tell you!” I said quickly. “And Chad knows about the experiment, but not about Tyler.”

“So you’ve told a lot of people.”

“Not a lot. Just… just a few people who needed to know.”

“And your father and I didn’t?”

I cringed. “I wanted to tell you… I mean, I knew I should. I was just afraid of how you would react.”

“Honey, if you’re cracking under the pressure, you don’t do yourself any favors by hiding it.”

“I… I think I’m OK, Mom. Really.”

“I think your father and I are going to have to talk with you sometime this weekend. Maybe you need to see a therapist. We need to make sure.”

“OK.”

“And I don’t want to hear any more talk of this non-existent cousin of yours, OK?”

“OK.”

“Good. Why don’t you go fix your makeup and come back to the table?”

I watched her walk back to the table, as though she had solved me. I could have told Mom and Dad a long time ago, and they probably would have reacted the same way, I realized. And if I had told her I used to be a boy, she would have been certain that I had completely lost it.

In the front hall bathroom, I got to work on my makeup. After the last time, I had looked up ‘fixing makeup after crying’ on the internet, just in case, so I had a rough idea of what to do. I don’t really believe this, I thought with a sigh, My cousin is gone, and I’m worried about how my makeup looks. But what exactly am I supposed to do? Well, there probably wasn’t anything else I could do right now, and crying to Mom had at least taken some of the edges of my agitation, at least. But it did mean that changing back – if it was even possible – could be vital for more than just me.