67 Taking It Slow
I returned to my friends only see Lee Ann glaring at me. Suddenly she stood up and said, “Oh, I really need to fix my makeup. I’ll be right back. Marsh… you want to join me?”
I can’t say I’d really gotten into this girls-going-to-the-bathroom-together thing, but it had sounded more like an order than a request, so I went. As soon as we had gotten inside, she rounded on me, fists on her hips, and demanded, “Have you been raped?”
“What?! No!”
“Groped?”
“No What are you talking about?”
“Well, I can’t think of any other excuse for the way you treated poor Bill.”
“But he–”
“He what? He danced with you? Oh horrors!” She put her hand to her forehead in imitation of a heroine from a melodrama. “Whatever is the world coming to when boys actually dance with girls after asking them?”
“But he put–” I started to protest.
“What? His arms around you? When you were slow-dancing? Did he touch you below the waist?”
“Um, not, but–”
“Did he touch you anywhere inappropriate?”
“No…” I admitted.
“You were dancing, Marsh. When a couple dances together, they’re supposed to touch. It’s a social thing. Nobody asked you to hook up with him on the dance floor.”
“But I’m not really attracted–”
“You don’t have to be attracted to a boy to dance with him! It’s a social thing, Marsh! That’s why we do it in public! He didn’t ask you for a date! He didn’t ask you to go back to his room! He just asked you to dance.”
“But…”
“You need to get over this, Marsh. You were not being molested. You were not being threatened. I asked him to be gentle with you, since you seem to have some kind of hang-up about spending time with a boy. Hang-up? More like freak-out city! I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“But you see…”
“No. You see. You’ve been miserable about not having a boyfriend, about not having dates, for way too long. Tonight is the night we start fixing that. Tonight is the night we start dealing with your problem.
“The first thing you’re going to do is march back out there and apologize. Then you’re going to go back on the dance floor and dance. And that includes slow dances, and you are going to do them right. This isn’t about sex, Marsh. Dancing is fun. Slow dancing, even with a guy you’re not interested in should be fun, too. When was the last time you hugged a boy? And I don’t mean in one of your plays”
“Um…” If I was answering for Marsha, it could well have been when she broke up with Dirk, and I didn’t know exactly when that was. I guess I could have count the make-up hug with Jared, but that had been after we were friends and it hadn’t been sexual at all, and it sort of was associated with the play. The question seemed to have been rhetorical, though, as Lee Ann didn’t wait for an answer.
“Hugs don’t have to be sexual, either. I hug the guys in our group all the time, just to say hello or good-bye. There’s something very comforting about wrapping your arms around another person, about physical closeness to another person. I think it’s like a basic human need or something. If you spent more time hugging guys as friends and less time hiding from your own shadows, you’d feel a lot better.”
“’Hiding from my shadows’?” I repeated. “My shadows are… well, I guess that doesn’t matter.”
Suddenly she came over to me and took my hands. “Of course it matters, Marsh,” she said in a much gentler tone. I can tell that something is seriously bothering you, and you won’t tell me what it is. I’m trying to help, but I’m working blind, here. Can you tell me now? Is there some reason that what I’ve said doesn’t make sense?”
I shook my head sadly. “No, No, you’re right. I need to… I mean I know that I have to start…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not comfortable with who I am, Lee Ann. With who I might be. I keep thinking I have it under control, and then something just sets me off.”
I think the problem right now was just that I was being whipsawed in so many directions, so quickly. Just a few days ago, this had been just a lark. I had been sure it was temporary, so I hadn’t mind pretending. Well, to be honest, even then I had freaked out about Jared, and all he had done was to make a lewd suggestion. But Bill…?
Objectively speaking, Bill hadn’t really done anything wrong. Certainly he hadn’t done anything I hadn’t done when I was still Marshall. Boy, I was really acting like a queen bitch, wasn’t I? It wasn’t fair, not to him, not to Lee Ann, and not to any of my other friends. Could I blame this on my period? Maybe, but did I really want to? Definitely not.
If I wasn’t going to share my problems with my new friends, the least I could do was not to take it out on them. If only for my own self-respect, I really needed to get control of my emotions, or at least figure out how to react more sensibly. I owed Bill an apology, at the very least.
Before Lee Ann could say anything, a girl I didn’t know poked her head out of one of the stalls. “Is it safe to come out? Are you guys done yelling?”
Lee Ann and I looked at each other in shock and then started laughing. We had simply not considered the possibility that there might be someone in the bathroom with us. The girl stared at us, then washed up and deliberately began fixing her makeup.
As we left together, Lee Ann took my arm and spoke softly. “We’ll talk about that later. Can you try dancing with Bill, as I suggested? Maybe you can use your acting here, if that’ll help.”
Gamely, I agreed. “I can try. I’m really not comfortable, slow-dancing with– I mean, I’m not comfortable, slow-dancing.”
“I think it is important for you to get comfortable.”
“I know,” I whimpered. “You’re right. I have to be social. I have to… OK”
I didn’t want to be queen bitch. If nothing else, it was my self-image at stake, here. So when we got back to where our friends were sitting, I walked over to Bill and cleared my throat. Better to take care of this right now.
“Bill… I’m sorry. I was ru– I, uh, overreacted, and I said some things that were unfair and…” I caught Lee Ann’s eye. “I… I think… if you’re up to it… and you don’t mind… I’d like to try again.”
I had clearly surprised him, as he looked over at Lee Ann and gave her an impressed nod, then turned back to me. “Is now OK?”
“Sure,” I replied and followed him back onto the dance floor. He offered his hand, but I wasn’t quite ready to start holding hands with a boy. Not yet. I was pleased to see that he didn’t make a big deal out of my reluctance.
We started with the random gyrating thing again, but after a few dances, Bill suddenly started doing some kind of formal step; when I had trouble copying him, he took my hands to lead me. Despite my intentions, I flinched at first, but then forced myself to relax and to follow him. I’m not a bad dancer – for an actor, that is – but following was a whole new idea for me, and it took me most of the song before I got the basic idea.
A few dances later, the music turned slow. I looked around and noticed Lee Ann and Geoff watching, so I took a deep breath, put my arms around Bill’s neck, and leaned my head against his chest. I managed not to flinch when he put his arms around my back, and we swayed to the music together.
The closest experience that I could think of to this was Dad hugging me when I was home over break after my change, or maybe when I was about ten or eleven years old and still much shorter than he. There was an element of comfort in having somebody hold me, especially somebody so much larger. The biggest discomfort was the obvious indication that he was turned on, sticking right in my belly.
I couldn’t really comment; I’d been in his situation myself, more than once. To keep myself from focusing on it, and possibly to divert his thoughts, I asked, “So, your girlfriend isn’t at Piques?”
“No,” he said, again talking into the top of my head, “she’s at Penn State.”
“And what are you guys majoring in?”
“Well, she’s a civil engineer, and I’m a math major.”
“Oh, right,” I realized. “I asked you that already, didn’t I?”
Talking into his chest felt funny, so I turned my head to look up at him. That was a mistake, as he was leaning over to hold me, and it put my face just inches from his – way too close to be comfortable. I’d been that close to Jared on stage, but never like this with a guy in real life. The fact that our bodies were pressed so close together at the same time only made it worse and I hurriedly put my face back down in his chest.
He started to laugh and then stopped. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to… but the way you reacted…”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I’m just a bit weirded out by this whole thing.”
“Have you never slow-danced before?”
“Um…” I had certainly done so with girls, and Marsha had almost certainly slow-danced with Dirk, so ‘no’ would be a lie. What was new was me slow-dancing as a girl with a boy. So I just told him the truth that I could. “This is a new experience for me.” Let him misread that how he chose.
“We can stop, if it’s bothering you.”
“No,” I insisted. “No, I’m sorry. I really need to get used to this.”
This time he allowed himself to laugh. “You do realize that this isn’t supposed to be painful.” He really was going out of his way with me, treating me better than I probably deserved.
“It’s not,” I admitted. “It’s just awkward.”
He started to release me.
“No!” I protested. “Just a bit long longer.” It wasn’t really unpleasant, being held. Lee Ann had been right. I’d resisted a lot of her ideas; maybe I should start listening more?
“OK, if you’re sure.”
The song ended not much later and we went back to dancing apart, but I was still a bit shaky, and he noticed. “Let’s take a break,” he suggested. “Can I get you a drink?”
“Sure, thanks,” I said. “Um, a Cherry Coke or a Root Beer would be great.”
He headed off for the drinks, and I returned to our seats. I was a bit wobbly on my feet; that slow dance had definitely affected me. The only ones seated when I got there were Greg and Terry, looking very much out of breath, and Susie and Phil. The latter were looking quite a bit more comfortable with each other than before. Phil looked like a guy who couldn’t believe his luck – well, then I was happy for him. Susie was a much better fixation for him than I was. At least she liked boys.
Bill showed up with my Cherry Coke, accompanied by Lee Ann and Geoff. After handing me my soda, it seemed the most natural thing in the world for him to drop into an empty seat next to me. Lee Ann took the seat on my other side and gave me an approving look. I suppose I had just taken a major step. I had danced with a boy; I had actually let a boy put his arms around me in a social situation without freaking out, without being on stage. I can’t say that it had ever been high on my list of goals, but just now it seemed like a pretty decent accomplishment.
I have a couple of minor quibbles but, for my money, this is the best chapter in the book. I really like the way Marsh took some initiative here. I really like the potential tension with Vicki. And I like the contradiction between what Lee Ann claimed and what actually happened.
Interesting that even when Marsh is pretty sure he’s “stuck” he’s still playing the role and adapting. I’d have thought he’d be thinking in terms of making Marsha’s life his own. He doesn’t HAVE to learn to slow dance with boys, he doesn’t HAVE to live up to the expectations of friends who were thrust upon him. Is this passivity supposed to be the result of his new-found gender?
In Marsh’s position, if Lee Ann told me what I “had” to do in that tone, I’d be inviting her to mind her own business.
Still, a good chapter, and the writing itself constantly improves.
I agree that he doesn’t need to slow dance. Lee Ann is wrong on that. But I like the way Lee Ann confronts him over his rudeness, and his making up for it.
I am surprised that you think of his passivity as recently occurring, as it has been the bane of his character the entire book. Indeed I see him less passive here than before.
Telling Lee Anne to mind her own business would have been a real leap for him. As would, apparently, giving a real apology. But, overall, his passivity shows a definite decrease in this chapter, at least in my eyes.
>> I am surprised that you think of his passivity as recently occurring, as it has been the bane of his character the entire book. Indeed I see him less passive here than before.
Yes and no. It’s an ongoing problem; but IMHO, this is less a reduction than a change to a more direct form of passivity, if that makes sense. Previously, Marsh simply went along with circumstance, at least as he saw it; now, he’s being directly cowed into doing something he doesn’t want to do. You credit him with undertaking this unwanted activity with (apparent) sincerity, but in reality he has zero reason to dance (or even apologize, really – what’s Bill to him?) other than that someone else wants him to.
(Sigh…) I suppose if characters acted rationally in fiction, there would be far less story to tell. It’s why I don’t watch much TV. I can’t resist thinking “Look – YOU, just tell HIM what you’re acting weird about. See? Problem solved, drama over.”
Ah, now here we disagree. I see Marsh as desperately wanting to go out with boys, dance, etc. I think the book has pointed that out rather clearly: in the face of Marsh’s violent opposition to the idea on the outside. I see it like this. Marsh has three potential reasons to be opposed to this idea:
1) Moral opposition: Not an issue for Marsh. Neither the attraction itself, nor the various dancing or other sexual issues pose a moral issue for him. For me, yes. For him, no.
2) Sexual non-attraction and/or dislike of the activity itself: Not an issue. The book (in spite of Marsh’s own dialogues) has shown that he is attracted to boys, likes dancing, is desperate to date, to ‘go out’ socially, etc.
3) Ego/Identity issues: I think this is where the problem lies. I think Marsh thinks (altho I disagree, I can see how he, with his set of values would think so) that admitting to himself that he is attracted to boys would be the final blow in his identity crisis, it would be denying who he is etc.
I think Lee Ann has at least a couple of things right:
1) She is right that an apology is necessary. Your moral code may allow you to be rude to someone that ‘isn’t anyone to you’; but I don’t think Marsh shares your code. Lee Anne definitely doesn’t, nor do I.
2) She understands Marsh’s desperate unhappiness at being left out of social and sexual events. He wants to go out with boys, be attractive to boys, sleep with boys, etc. He is not willing to admit it, but he is desperately unhappy over those issues. It comes out in many different ways in the book and presumably Lee Ann, who sees a lot more of Marsh than we do, has caught on to this in a big way. Female intuition and all that.
Agree to disagree, then, and wait for developments in the story. I think “desperate” is dramatically overstated; Marsh would like to have a more normal social life, but what you’re talking about is someone else’s social life. While he doubtless feels influence from hormones, possibly brain structure, and certainly social pressure, I find it hard to accept that a so-recently male (and heterosexual) person, “in himself” seriously wishes to socialize as a functioning female. I think what you’re seeing as his actual desires are aspects of himself, imposed upon him, that he feels horrified by.
BTW, I neither advocate or condone rudeness, but when the awkward situation is entirely due to the meddling of a third party, it can be forgiven.
>>it can be forgiven.
Which is why he needed to ask forgiveness.
>>I think what you’re seeing as his actual desires are aspects of himself, imposed upon him, that he feels horrified by.
I would have thought this too, if Russ hadn’t made it so clear in the story that this was supposed to be a non-issue. If this is an issue, I would like to see it come out more clearly and consistently earlier. But it does tie into the ego thing, anyway. He doesn’t have an issue with a girls body having sex with a boys body… just by it being ‘him’ in one of those bodies.
However his recent comments have begun to be sprinkled with ‘I am a girl’ inklings… that he is accepting the girls gender identity.
I really liked this Chapter and I think it is a pivotal one, especially linked to the one before it. We are finally getting Marsh starting to accept Marsha. I wouldn’t be surprised somewhere in the next 10 chapters or so that Marsh and Vixy have a major falling out over Vixy’s jealous of Marsh becoming more Marsha.
I expected a bit more of a reaction to Bill being aroused, it seemed that Marsh took it a little too easily.
>>I expected a bit more of a reaction to Bill being aroused, it seemed that Marsh took it a little too easily.
I proposed a diff reaction to Russ by email, but he didn’t like it 🙁 But, tis his book 🙂
Oh, I’m certainly not proposing a change of any kind, it just means that the character can still surprise – which is good.
Almost forgot:
>>The song ended not much longer
Russ, I think you meant “later”
>> the character can still surprise
I assume you mean ‘the author’? The book is fiction, you know. The character doesn’t actually, like, exist.
Really Von! I’m shocked 🙂 If they were real I’d have said person.
Characters can take on a life of their own, something the Author has to keep a watch on.
>> I expected a bit more of a reaction to Bill being aroused, it seemed that Marsh took it a little too easily.
Me too – if it was me, I may not have mentioned it or anything, but I would physically be trying not to lean on it… dancing awkwardly would be funny and maybe lead to Bill getting a little embarrassed but wouldn’t completely ruin the atmosphere.
Interesting that everyone reacted to this, differently. I sent my comments to Russ directly. I had him react as someone who remembered the situation on the other side, with humor.