Take a Lemon

“So now what?” Vicky asked me after Eric left.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “Just having the feeling that there’s a chance, however slim it might be, takes a real weight off my mind. I’m just not sure what to do now. Eric’s going to be doing the bulk of the work, and it takes skills and knowledge that you and I don’t have.”

“We still need to interview some of the Strangers,” she reminded me.

I nodded. “There is that.”

“So, you want to take in a movie?”

I smiled. “That sounds like a really great idea.”

And it was. There was a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and a lot of the students had come in costumes and brought props and were shouting at the screen. It was a totally fun experience and I didn’t have think about anything except being with Vicky and enjoying myself. The only weird part came when I walked her home, and once again the two of us hesitated, since we had been so used to ending that particular moment with at least a goodnight kiss, even if she didn’t invite me inside. Now, of course, none of that made any sense.

So when she asked, “Do you want to come in?” I stared for a moment, certain that she had made a mistake out of habit. But she saw me stare, flushed and then added, “I don’t mean it like that! I just thought we could talk some more.”

I nodded, and followed her inside. When we got to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and I took her chair. She seemed nervous, as though she wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure how.

“So…” she started.

“So…?” I prompted her.

“Um… how long do you think it’s going to take? You know, before Eric actually finds…”

“Oh…” I looked away. It wasn’t something I wanted to think too hard about. “It’s kind of hard to say. It pretty much has to be before he graduates, though, doesn’t it?”

She stared, so I explained, “He’s helping us because of his sister. Once he graduates, do we really have any hope that some other physics major will step in? I don’t think so.”

“Oh…”

“We’re already assuming that there’s something for him to find. We’ll just also assume that he can find them in time, that’s all.”

“OK…” The answer obviously didn’t satisfy her. Well, I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about it, either. But it was all I had.

“And that sort of leads to something, else, Vix. I sort of have to think about what happens if it doesn’t work.”

“I don’t think we need to think about that now,” she said quickly.

“No, we do,” I insisted. “Just in case. Just to be safe. I don’t want to have to suddenly try to figure things out if I find out I really am stuck. As long as it looks like there’s a way back, I don’t mind exploring. There’s no real pressure. But there’s no way I’ll be able to do it if I have no choice.”

“Marsh, it’s already hard for me to keep up with you when you’re not trying to act like a girl. Look at me. I’m wearing skirts and dresses like everyday now, and I don’t really have enough. But you wear them, so I need to. And you sew. Cook, too, if I remember right.”

“Cooking isn’t–” I started, but she cut me off.

“I have to be girlier than you, Marsh. I have to be. That’s why I’m even dating a guy I’m not really attracted to – at least I know I don’t have to worry about you doing that. But it seems so much easier for you to be girly without trying. If you started actually working at it, I don’t know what I’d do.

It took me a moment to react to that. On the one hand, my heart leapt upon hearing that she wasn’t really attracted to Kevin. On the other hand… “I’m not really being girly, Vix. Wearing a dress? It’s just a costume – and one that fits the role I’m playing. And sewing is just a craft.”

“One that you’re apparently good at.”

“Tailors sew, and they’re men. I just get called a seamstress because I’m a girl.”

“‘Because you’re a girl,’” she repeated. “Is that how you think, now? That you’re a girl?”

“Well…” I started. “I’m not sure how else to say it. I mean, I’m not really a girl, not in my heart of hearts, but for now, I sort of am. If this thing with Eric works out, I won’t be anymore, but until then…

“That’s the key. I don’t know that it’s going to work. I hope so…”

“Me, too.”

“Yeah, but until then, I have to live like this, and I can’t really keep telling myself that I’m just playing a role–”

“You just did,” she pointed out.

“OK, maybe I’m still lying to myself, a little. This isn’t easy. To keep my sanity, I have to believe certain things. When I decided that there was no hope, I freaked out. I couldn’t think. It was like everything came crashing down, all at once. To be really honest with myself, I know that my chances aren’t all that great of getting back, but I can’t think about it that way. I have to believe that it’s probably going to happen, and that I’m just sort of dealing with the ‘what if’ case. But I do have to deal with it, because there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to happen.”

She didn’t answer right away. She sat, brooding, on her bed for a moment. Then she turned to me. “But you do want to change back, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“And… you’ll want to be my boyfriend again if you do?”

The ‘if’ didn’t bother me as much as the last time she had used it; ‘if I change back’ is still better than it could have been. “Vicky,” I told her, “you’re very special to me. I miss ‘us.’ I want to be part of a couple with you again, and if there is anything at all that I can do to make that happen, I will.”

She nodded, apparently reassured. “OK. I really loved… I mean, love you, Marsh.”

“Yeah. Um… so about Kevin…”

She looked embarrassed. “Does that bother you so much, that I’m seeing another guy right now? I mean, you’re not around as a guy, otherwise…”

“Yeah, I’m… going to have to deal with it, I guess. I mean, yeah, it bothers me, but I have to say that it’s your right to have a boyfriend. Loving somebody means wanting them to be happy, right? Is he making you happy, Vix?”

“Well, it’s kind of early yet.”

“I just don’t know why you’d be seeing a guy you’re not really attracted to, is all.”

She squirmed at the question. “It’s not like I have a lot of choices. There’s too many girls here. There’s too much competition. I take what I can get.”

“Yeah, but you’re special, Vix. You should be able to get any guy you like.”

“You’re sweet, Marsh, but that’s not how it works.”

“Are the guys here all stupid, or what? I mean, I’m not crazy about seeing you with another guy, but… but, when I change back, that’ll all be undone anyway.”

She smiled. “Except that you and I will remember, right? You’re not worried that I’ll be so much in love with whoever I date that I won’t want to be with you anymore?”

Actually, I hadn’t thought of that, and now that she mentioned it, it did worry me, but I couldn’t really admit that, could I? “I’ll have to take that chance, I guess.”

“Thank you.”

We sort of looked at each for a while. A couple of months ago, being together in her bedroom would probably have led to us kissing and cuddling by now. Our rhythm seemed thrown off without it, and things were starting to feel a bit awkward. We’d expressed our feelings and hopes, and now one of us had to come up with something else to say, but anything I could think of them seemed so anticlimactic just now. How do you talk about classes, or even theater, after expressing wistfulness about a love that has to be on hold?

Vicky tried, at any rate. “So… how’s the play going?”

“Um… not too badly. I mean, it’s going really well. I’m having a good time, and Alvin really is a good director. I think it’s going to be great.”

“I can’t wait to see it.”

“Yeah.”

I think both of us were reluctant for me to leave. It felt as though there were still things that we needed to say to each other; I just couldn’t think what. Neither could she, apparently. But if I left, would we ever think of them?

Possibly not. After several more minutes of awkward silence, I gave up. “I suppose…”

“Yeah…?”

“I should probably go home.”

“OK. Are we going to go out again tomorrow?”

“Shouldn’t you be trying to spend more time with Kevin?” I asked, surprised.

“I think he has another date tomorrow. That’s why he suggested tonight.”

“Vix, you should have told me. We could have rescheduled.”

“No…” she twisted her hands, awkwardly. “He asked me first, and I wasn’t comfortable, so I told him that you and I already had plans. That’s why I had to find you first thing today, so it wouldn’t really be a lie.”

I stared at her, incredulous. “Why are you even going to House Parties with this guy, if you’re not comfortable with him?”

“I told you, I don’t have a lot of choices. And I don’t want to be alone this year. I did that last year before I met you, and almost everybody else I knew had a date. It was horrible.”

I certainly agreed with that. That was going to be my own experience in a month, if I hadn’t changed back by then. It was yet another thing that I was trying not to think about. Still… “Vix, I think you either need to find a way to like being with this guy or cancel your date. You don’t really want to have to spend two nights with a guy you don’t like.”

“No, I’m sure it’s going to be all right. This afternoon wasn’t too bad, other than hurting my wrist.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“OK… You know, I really should be getting back home.”

“I guess so.”

“Take care of yourself. OK, Vix?”

“Yeah, you, too.”

She didn’t walk me out. I think we were both uncertain as to whether that was appropriate or not. And I walked home as I expected to be for some time. Alone.