Take a Lemon

I dithered so long that Lee Ann and Terry noticed.

“Marsh?” Lee Ann asked. “Is something wrong?”

I stood up, trying to ignore the pounding of my heart. “I really have to go. I’m going to be late for bio lab.”

Lee Ann grabbed my arm. “Wait! Marsh, you need to tell us–”

“Back off, Lee Ann,” Terry interrupted. “There’s something going on here, and it doesn’t sound simple.” I looked at her gratefully and she added, “Marsh, it’s OK. I don’t know why you’re reacting like that to a simple question, but that’s your business. We’ll be here when you’re ready to talk.”

Relieved, I fled.

Today’s lab involved studying the muscle groups in the arm, which in this case meant that Ron and I were exploring each other’s arm muscles and tendons. I can’t say I really cared to have him fondling my arm, but it was in the interest of science, so I gritted my teeth and bore it. My reaction to touching his arm, though, was even more discomforting. His flexed bicep was so large and strong, whereas my own comparatively weak bicep was barely visible. It was yet another humiliation.

He seemed to notice something, because he asked, “Hey, are you all right?” more than once as we worked, and all I could really do was shrug. I was starting to hate all guys for flaunting what had been stolen from me. Finally, I snapped.

“No, I’m not all right! Stop asking me if I’m all right!” I yelled at him. “And stop flexing your muscles at me like…” Suddenly I realized that everyone was staring at me and shut up. Instead, I hissed at him, “You’re not impressing anybody, you know.”

He stared at me as if I were crazy. “I was just trying to make it easier for you to find the muscles so that you could identify them.”

“Yeah, right,” I muttered. “And I suppose you were fondling my arm like that because my muscles are so puny. You’re just–” I shook my head in exasperation.

He peered even harder. “Are you on your period or something?”

The look I gave him in response should rightfully have frozen his marrow. I really didn’t need to be reminded right then that I even had a period, much less was in the middle of it just now. I had the horrible feeling that I had forgotten to change my tampon this morning, and that I was probably leaking all over my underwear, and wouldn’t that just be a topper to the day?

But he backed off after that, and I only had to take notes on the muscles controlling the tendons in his hand before finishing the lab. At least that was less uncomfortable, although it still bothered me to be touching his forearm with all of its hair, and comparing it to my own practically hairless one.

I did notice that he was extremely deferential to me as we finished up; I wasn’t sure whether to be satisfied that I had gotten him to give me space or offended that he was treating me as a crazy woman. He did look as though he wanted me to assure him that we were still friends, and a thought crossed my mind that I probably owed him an apology. Next time, maybe.

Of course, leaving the lab just put me back to the same problem. I had to deal with this whole ‘being a girl for keeps’ thing and I might have just screwed up my relationship with my roommates. And speaking of all that, I did make a stop in the bathroom to take care of the embarrassing period thing. Fortunately, it hadn’t leaked yet. How I was going to manage this every month for the rest of my life without going crazy, I just didn’t know.

I was too frustrated to go back to my room, and I wasn’t prepared to face Terry without a decent answer to her question about Vicky. My usual pattern after bio lab for the past few weeks had been to head to the Physics building. I did start there automatically, but quickly stopping, realizing the futility of it all. There was just nowhere left for that stupid time travel lab to be. I’d checked every door, every office. I’d gone up every staircase, tried every floor the elevator reached. I had no ideas left, and every time I’d thought there was something else to try, it had turned out that the Strangers had already tried it.

I wandered around campus for a bit, trying to decide where to go, what I could do, and most importantly, how to explain my relationship with Vicky. I didn’t realize that I actually had made a decision until I found myself outside of Nikki’s dorm. And still, I hesitated. I was a big boy, and should be able to handle my problems on my own, shouldn’t I?. But you’re actually not a big boy any more, my subconscious reminded me, and that was enough. I climbed the steps to Nikki’s room and knocked on her door.

“Hi, Marsh,” Nikki said in a questioning tone as she opened the door. I stared at her for a moment before speaking.

“Hi, Nikki,” I said, all my emotions flat without any specific source of anger. “I’m wearing a dress. See the dress?” I spread my arms wide for her to see.

“Huh?”

I walked past her without being invited in and went straight into her sewing room. She had something or other under the needle; I had obviously interrupted her at work.

“Are you OK, Marsh?” she asked as she followed me.

I think I had been asked that question too many times, wondered about it too often. I shrugged. “Of course I’m OK,” I said. “I obviously just need to get back to my sewing. You want to teach me?”

“OK, what happened?”

I shrugged. “Vicky’s got a date. Isn’t that great? She’s going to House Parties with a boy. And he won’t even be wearing a dress. Only her. At least I think she will. Maybe I’m the only one.”

She came over and peered into my eyes and I just looked right back. Then I shook my head and looked away.

She took my shoulder in one hand and my chin in the other and made me face her. “Marsh, what’s gotten in to you? What happened?”

I shrugged again. “Does it matter? It’s over. I’m stuck. They’re gone. Hidden or just gone and I don’t know how to find them. So I’m stuck.”

She stared at me. “OK, now you’re starting to sound like Ben. This isn’t you, Marsh.”

“It is now,” I informed her. “Forever and ever. Meet the new me. Guess it’s convenient. I already know my lines. If I changed back, I’d have to learn Paravicini’s.”

“OK, stop this right now!” she said, her voice raised.

“I really wish I could,” I said, breaking away and sitting in the chair she had for her customers. “I’d give just about anything to stop being Marsha. I don’t think I like Marsha very much.”

She didn’t say anything, just left the room. A moment later I heard her outer door open and close. Curious, I peeked out of the sewing room. A moment later, she came back in, carrying a small pail. And threw a pail full of water in my face.

“What was that for?!” I howled. “Look at me! I’m all wet! Do you have any idea how cold it is outside?”

“Do I have your attention?” she said, dragging me back into her sewing room.

“Uh…”

“Sometimes, when I want to talk to Ben lately, that’s what works. Now sit and tell me what happened.”

“Uh…”

“There’s plenty more water, you know.”

“No!” I protested, sitting as ordered, “It’s already into my bra, and it’s very uncomfortable, and–”

“Then talk. What happened?”

“Oh. I…” I hesitated, but I was in no mood to be drenched again. “Vicky no longer believes that I can change back, and accepted a date with another guy. I don’t think I can, either. I mean, everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked, and I’ve been searching for the lab for weeks, and so have a bunch of other people. Most of them had already accepted that they can’t change back, and I don’t see how there’s any other answer. So I’m stuck as a girl. I’ll never be my old self, my real self, again.”

“And that bothers you.”

“Of course it bothers me. I’m a boy! I’m supposed to be a boy. I want to be a boy. But now I can’t be.” This time, I was conscious of the tone in my voice. “I don’t mean to whine, but I hate this. I hate what’s happened to me. I hate what I’ve been turned into. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.”

She came over and hugged me. “Oh, Marsh, I’m so sorry. You were handling this all so well, I guess it didn’t occur to me just how much you wanted to change back.”

“Yeah, well, I was handling it because I didn’t really believe that I was stuck. I guess I just figured that it was going to be easy. I’d just waltz into the lab, tell them that they’d made a mistake, and they would apologize and fix me.”

Nikki shook her head.

“Yeah, I know,” I continued. “I was naïve and stupid. Now I’m… I don’t know. I’m lost. There hardly seems to be any point to anything. As long as I could believe that I was going to change back, this was almost like a game. I would get to see what it was really like to be a girl, maybe get some insights into the female mind, maybe be able to figure out things for when I changed back.

“Now… I just hadn’t planned for this. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. I’m supposed to be Marshall, not Marsha. I’m supposed to be–”

“Obviously, not. If you were supposed to be, you would be.”

“Yeah, but my whole life–”

“… has obviously changed.”

I sat back. I didn’t seem to be getting sympathy any more. “You know, this is really uncomfortable. I’m sopping wet, and–”

“So why not just take it off?”

“Take it off?” I echoed.

“Sure. It’s just water. Take off your dress and we can hang it up to dry. It shouldn’t take too long.”

“But… OK. Can you give me a robe to wear in the meantime?”

She looked me in the eye. “Why be modest? We’re all girls in here.”

I stared at her.

“You need to face this, Marsh. You need…” She stopped and looked at me even more intently. “You need to face this, Marsha. You’re a girl. You’re always going to be a girl. You need to be a big girl about this, Marsha.”

“Why… why are you calling me that?”

“Because maybe you’ve been using your nickname as a way to pretend. Maybe it’s making things worse. Now, off with the dress and the bra and hang them up to dry!”

“Uh–”

“You’ve been taking the easy way out for too long. It’s time to face facts.”

“Simple as that, huh?”

She sagged. “No, it’s not as simple as that. If I had an easy answer, don’t you think I would have used it on Ben? But I’ve seen you happy since this happened to you. I think you’re stronger than he is, more resilient than he is. It might not work for him, but maybe it’ll work for you.”

I wasn’t too keen on the idea, but the water was annoying me, and maybe I could at least get that fixed, so I stripped down to my panties, very conscious of my nudity. I couldn’t think of a time before today when anybody but me had seen my bare breasts, and I kept one arm across them – or tried to. I had never done this before, after all, and they kept slipping. It took me several tries before I could get them to behave.

Nikki hung up my clothes and then watched me, obviously amused. “I guess this is a new experience for you.”

“You have no idea.”

“Maybe a robe wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

I started to nod, but that just made my left breast slip out from under my arm again and I had to adjust, while Nikki left the room. Fortunately, she returned quickly, and handed me a robe, which I donned with my back to her.

“For somebody who’s not used to being a girl, you’re awfully modest with those things,” she observed.

I shrugged again, although this time it was more of a lack of a response than indifference.

“OK. Comfy? Let’s talk.”