Take a Lemon

An hour later, I was still awake. I was no longer stimulated, just seething, with all that had been done to me. I ran down the list in my mind. Stuck as a girl forever? Check. Vicky going to House Parties with another guy? Check. Grandpa’s guitar and my ability to play it gone? Yup. Unable to be attracted to another human being? Oh boy – and getting turned on by the idea of myself in sexy clothing I wouldn’t be caught dead in was just sick, not to mention frustrating when I couldn’t even bring myself to a climax.

If only I could find something to do with my anger! It would be one thing if we had found the guys responsible and they had refused to help. The Strangers would have been able to pressure them or expose them or… something. But now? For all we could tell, they might no longer even be aware of having harmed us. The whole thing was just so horribly unfair. It was futile. It was… nothing. I could do nothing, none of us could.

I have no idea how I finally managed to fall asleep – probably from sheer exhaustion – but I wasn’t sleeping when the knock came at my door the next morning. I had been awake for a while, and just hadn’t mustered the will to get out of bed, but whoever was on the other side of my door sure seemed in a hurry about something. I couldn’t figure out what could possibly be so important.

After a moment, a voice joined the knocks. It was Lee Ann, and she seemed to be worried about something. “Marsh? Are you all right in there? Marsh?”

After a deep breath or two, I decided that answering her made sense. “I’m coming,” I muttered. And with great effort I forced myself to climb out of bed.

“What’s going on?!” Lee Ann asked as I unlocked and opened the door. “You never sleep this late! You’re missing breakfast! You’re… you’re naked.”

I looked down. “I?! Oh… right.” I hadn’t bothered to put on my nightgown before falling asleep. I went to get it now.

“Um, Marsh?”

I turned and raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Breakfast? And then classes? Remember?”

Breakfast. That did seem like something I should be doing. Maybe. Classes were a pain, though. I had no use for classes now. What was the point? I was in the wrong body, in the wrong life. I couldn’t feel love. Couldn’t make music. What did it matter if I went to classes?

Lee Ann sighed at me, even more annoyed than before. “Marsha. Clothes. You need to get dressed.”

And wash. And put on make up. I knew the drill. It was just all too much work.

“Marsha! Say something! And put something on! This is getting a little weird.”

“Oh… good morning, Lee Ann.” I did manage to walk over to my dresser and put on my underwear, although I was a bit dubious about the bra. I should be able to refuse to do that, right? But I saw Lee Ann glare at me when I put it back in the drawer, so I retrieved it and fastened it around myself.

I sort of dithered as to what, if anything, I should do next, but Lee Ann didn’t wait. She dragged me over to the bed, sat me down and set next to me, holding both my hands.

“Now, spill,” she insisted. “What happened last night?”

“Last night?” I echoed. I tried to focus. Concealing the actual truth about myself had become a habit, and I struggled to think of what I could say, even as I wondered if it mattered what I said.

“Marsha. You came in last night, walking funny, and not especially communicative. Now you’re acting as though something is seriously wrong. Were you… molested? Did somebody force you?”

“Huh?” She had it all wrong. I knew I could give her a better answer than that.

“OK, that’s it. Get dressed. I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

That shocked me into action, at least a bit. I needed to take control of the situation. I really did. It was just so hard to be assertive right now.

“Wait… Lee Ann, please. I mean it. There’s nothing wrong with me… medically, that is. I haven’t been physically attacked or… molested, or… anything else like that. I just…” I sighed again. “I’m just feeling really down. I feel like… I don’t know. Like I just don’t…” I shook my head and forced myself to smile. “I think I’ll be all right. I just need to snap out of this mood.”

“You’re not answering the question, Marsh. Something obviously happened. Who were you with last night?”

“Nobody! I mean… just Vicky.”

“No boys? Did a boy touch you?”

“No!” I insisted. “There were no boys involved.”

“Just you and Vicky, hmm?”

“Yes, just the two of us.”

She thought for a moment and peered at me as though she was trying to see through me, and I started to feel just a bit self-conscious about wearing nothing but a bra and panties.

“So what did Vicky do?”

“Nothing! She just told me that she had a date for House Parties, is all.”

At that, Lee Ann sat back with a knowing expression. “Ah… House Parties. We’re back to that again.”

“I…”

“Why? Why do you do this to yourself? Marsh, if you want to go, find a date. Some of the guys still haven’t asked anybody.”

“I don’t–”

“You don’t what? Are you going to sit here and tell me that you’re not going to be miserable when Terry and I are partying with our boyfriends and you’re by yourself?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t tell her that. I didn’t want to be miserable. I just didn’t see any alternative.

“Look, let me fix you up. I’m not saying that you have to fall in love with the boy. Just have somebody to party with and dance with.”

I shook my head even more vigorously. “I’m not interested. Really. I don’t want to–”

“I know, I know,” she said impatiently. “You don’t want a date, but you’re miserable that you don’t have a date.”

I cringed. I couldn’t really explain it to her, now could I? There simply wasn’t any solution that I could see. House Parties this year was going to be horrible for me. I sort of sensed that this situation should be funny, or ironic, or something, given that Lee Ann was both way off the mark and right on it at the same time. Too bad I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it.

“Can you get dressed and ready for class, and…” she peered closely at me. “Oh boy, you’re really in a bad way, aren’t you? You didn’t even take off your make up last night.”

My hand went to my face. Usually I was pretty good about nighttime rituals, but considering how I had been feeling, I suppose I had forgotten.

“OK, to the bathroom. Let’s go. I’m going to take care of you; we’ll get the old make up off and I think you’d better tone down the makeup this morning. It’s probably not too bad a problem, but you should give your skin some time to recover before putting on more.”

At my blank look, she took my hand and led me into the bathroom, where she applied make up remover, washed my face, and then applied some make up in a fashion Tina hadn’t taught me. I recognized the moisturizer, but then she put on powder instead of my usual foundation, lip balm instead of lipstick, and then lined my eyes. Her skill was evident, and I wound up looking (to my as-yet-inexpert eyes) much the same as I usually did, and maybe better.

She also picked out my clothing and handed me my shoes, which I thought a bit much, but somehow it just didn’t seem worth complaining about it.

“Are you planning on kissing me good bye and packing me a lunch, ‘Mommy’?” I said as we left the dorm.

She rewarded me with a smirk. “Well at least you still have some kind of sense of humor left. But Marsh, you really need to decide what you want here. I don’t want to put you on the spot, but it seems to me that either you’re afraid of being out with any boy, or else you’re mooning over one particular boy and agonizing because he hasn’t asked you. Let us help you, Marsh. Terry and I care about you and hate to see you tormenting yourself. Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, we’re ready to listen. OK?”

I nodded, grateful for the support, even if the suggestions weren’t very helpful. “Let me think about it,” I muttered. What was I going to do? She was right about one thing. I was going to have to figure out how I was going to cope, now that changing back had been taken from me. But just not yet; I wasn’t ready.

For now, all I could do was go through the motions. Get dressed. Go to class. Eat meals. Earn money and do the show. I had plenty of things on my plate already, and most of them didn’t require me to feel, just act. Anything more was asking too much.