58 Obsession
I am a pervert.
I am a pervert and I’m not even sure if I should feel guilty about it, given all that has happened to me. I mean, a guy’s got to take whatever– a guy. Yeah, right.
I had been so enthusiastic about meeting other people who had been trying to figure this out for longer than I had, and they were no closer to an answer than I was, despite having explored ideas I hadn’t even thought of. Their answer, those of them that were even trying for answers, was, “just accept it.” It may yet come to that, but… how am I supposed to accept this?
And Vicky… finding her had been like a dream. Not only was there somebody who remembered me, and remembered me fondly, but there had even been the promise that we could go back to what we used to have, at least once I went back to what I was.
So I was totally unprepared for the way the conversation went after dinner on Thursday. The previous two days had been ones of ups and downs for me. The plus sides were the play, which was coming together nicely, and my sewing which was clearly improving, even to the point where I was making progress on Terry’s gown. Searching the physics building, on the other hand, was beginning to feel futile, and every web search I did came up empty. It certainly did not pass my notice that all of my successes were in my more feminine activities, while those intended to restore or at least bolster my masculinity were falling flat. About the only thing I could rely on was my relationship with Vicky, in which we both made it a point to remember what I had been.
And yet… Vicky could tell that I was still bothered by something, and unsurprisingly wormed it out of me.
“I cannot believe that you are still obsessing over the baby thing, Marsh,” she said as we sat together on her bed.
“I can’t help it,” I replied, hugging my knees to my chest. “It was so not me. I can’t figure out why I did it.”
“Don’t you remember the argument we had about my cousin’s baby last summer? And how you dismissed my feelings as thoughtless biological urges?”
“OK. Fine, so I was wrong.”
“Not necessarily, Marsh. There’s probably a lot in female biology that leads to the mothering instinct. You’re just feeling it now, is all.”
“Vix, I will never dismiss your feelings like that again,” I promised her. “This was just kind of an extreme way to have it rubbed in my face. I guess I shouldn’t have griped. There’s got to be something that makes girls willing to cuddle up next to a hairy guy.”
She laughed. “You’re really funny, Marsh. Sometimes you are so sophisticated, and other times you come off as so naïve.”
“What do mean?” I asked, stretching out to look at her.
“All the time we were together and you never realized that I found you physically attractive and sexy? I have a harder time figuring out why guys find us attractive.”
“Huh?” I asked, surprised. “Girls are…” I stopped, a bit confused. “Well, I know I used to find girls sexy. Because after all, girls are… well, they’re shaped, you know, sexy and curvy and…”
“Yes?”
“Huh. So, what exactly do you find attractive about guys?”
She looked a bit embarrassed. “I’m not sure I want to say, but I really thought your neck was… wow!”
“My neck?”
“Yes,” she answered quite definitely. “Your neck. It was so strong and… manly.”
I stared at her, incredulous. “Oh boy. Guys and girls really do think about things differently, don’t they? I mean, I can’t even imagine wanting to look at a guy that way, but if I did, I expect that I’d be looking at… You know, let’s just not go there.”
She shrugged. “The point is, most girls like the way boys look. You don’t have to want a baby to think that a boy is cute, or that you’d enjoy being with him. Um…” She looked uncomfortably nervous all of a sudden. “That reminds me…”
“Hmmm?”
“I… that is… it’s not as if there’s a real alternative, anyway…”
“What?” I knew her well enough to recognize when she was on the verge of telling me something I wasn’t going to like, and I tensed.
She took a deep breath. “Thing is, Kevin Perez sort of asked me. To go to House Parties with him.”
If she had simply stood up and kicked me in the stomach, she probably couldn’t have given me a worse jolt. I tried to say something, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was “Wha…? Bu…!”
She spoke quickly and nervously. “I mean, it’s not as if you and I were planning to go together, right? We’re not even attracted to each other right now, and…”
“Stop. Wait.” I managed. It was just so wrong. She was my girl, wasn’t she? How could she even consider…?
“Marsh…” she pleaded. “I’m really sorry about this. I- I really wanted to go. I mean, we had a great time last year, didn’t we? And I’d want to go with you, if… well…”
“…If I weren’t female.”
“And if you changed back, it would probably turn out that we had gone together, after all, right? So It’s not as if you’re really losing out. Doesn’t that make sense?”
“’If’?”
“If what?”
“You said, ‘if.’ ‘If you changed back.’”
“Oh. I meant, ‘when.’ ‘When you change back.’”
“No, no you didn’t,” I said shakily. You meant, ‘if.’ You don’t really think it’s going to happen, do you?”
She answered reluctantly. “Well… I want you to change back. I really do, Marsh. I can’t imagine any boyfriend as great you were. I just… I just don’t see how it’s possible, now.”
I tried to keep the whining out of my voice, but it was so hard – so very unfair. “I… I just thought…” I shook my head, ignoring the way my long hair flew against my face. “No, I guess I really didn’t think. I want… Oh foo.” I’d worked so hard not to curse, that now when I really needed to, I couldn’t. “You know,” I started to say. “I think… I just remembered that I need to…”
And that was as far as I got because in the next moment I was running without looking back. Running out of her room so that she couldn’t see the tears flowing down my cheeks. I mean, I had to keep my dignity somehow. A guy shouldn’t let his girlfriend see him cry like that. It’s not manly, it’s not…”
I hadn’t gotten very far before I ran out of steam, sat on the steps outside my dorm, and just cried my heart out. I’d been so proud of my guitar playing and my acting, and the progress I was making in sewing, but it was pretty clear that my absolute best skill par excellance, was self-deception. Who was I kidding? Even Vicky didn’t think I could change back, not really. I looked down at my girly body and my girly clothing and just cried like a girl. Because that’s pretty much what I was, now. Whether Davis had gone into hiding, or had changed his own history so that he never did the experiment didn’t really matter. If I couldn’t find him, it didn’t matter why.
After I ran down, I decided that there was one vestige on my masculinity I could salvage. I could – maybe for the last time – be a big brother to my sister. My last call had upset her, and she had been brave, all for me. Well, now it was my turn. My turn to be brave for her and make her feel better.
I was fortunate that she answered the phone. I didn’t think I could handle talking to Mom just now.
“Hey, Teen…” I started, trying to sound positive, and failing.
She spoke quickly to cut me off. “Marsh, it’s OK. I’ve got it all planned. When you come home for Christmas, we’re going to take a trip together, and we’re going to do projects together, and just spend lots and lots of time together. It won’t be so bad, I guess… not if I know that you’ll remember me. I know that I was sort of not even supposed to have a chance – that the other Tina was here first. And it’s only right that she come back. I’ve really… I’ve really enjoyed having you as my big sister, and I wish–”
“Tina,” I interrupted her. “It’s not going to happen.”
“Of course it is, Marsh. We’ll make it happen. You and I, together, we can–“
“Tina. Listen to me. I’m not changing back. You’re not going away. We’re staying the way we are. Do you understand me? There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Wait, you’re… hold on, let me make sure Mom and Dad aren’t listening.” There was a pause before she came back. “OK, are you telling me that you’re going to stay a girl, Marsh?”
“That’s what I’m telling you, Teen. I’m not changing back.”
“But… I don’t understand. Just a few days ago you were all excited about changing back. You said that Vicky wanted you to. What happened?”
I sighed. If I could at least pretend this had been my decision, maybe I wouldn’t feel so horrible.
“We can’t find them, Teen. There’s a whole group of people who went through this, the ones who went to the newspaper. They’ve been searching for the guys who did this to us for longer than I have, and… nothing. Whether Chad was right about the experiment wiping itself or something else, they’re as good as gone. So… I’m stuck.”
“Oh, Marsh. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” I told her. “I’m sort of in shock here, but at least I wanted you to know, so that you could stop worrying. I love you, Teen. And it looks as though you’re stuck with me now. No more big brother for you, young lady!”
Could I hear the wistful smile in her voice, or was I just imagining it? “Marsh, I promise you, I am going to do everything I can to make you happy about this. I know you can learn to like it. I remember you being very happy to be a girl. And I love you, Marsh. Um… do you want me to avoid calling you, ‘Marsha’? Would that… make you upset?”
“Teen, I don’t know. I don’t know anything, right now. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. I’ve got a bunch of stuff to think about. I’ll call you again in a few days, OK?”
“OK,” she said. “Bye. Marsh.”
“Bye, Teen,” I answered, and hung up. I sighed. That was about the last manly act I could think of to do. And now… since I was already acting the role of ‘Marsha,’ it looked as though I was going to have to do that for the rest of my life. Of course, I was free to change the role now – my boast was pretty much meaningless at this point – but I couldn’t think of what I would change. I was used to being Marsha the way I was.
And all in all, I suppose I could have had worse fates. My biggest problem was being asexual. I had always treasured my relationships; even I hadn’t been any good at sustaining them. The closeness, the physical and the emotional, the cuddling, the kissing, the companionship – all were denied to me, now. The closest I had now was imagining my encounter with Jeremy and kissing ‘Giles’ in character. It was no substitute for the real thing. I was fated to spend the rest of my life alone. I could see myself, a couple of decades hence, as a maiden aunt, fussing over Tina’s children. I shuddered.
And suddenly, returning to my room, Marsha’s room, was unbearable. It felt a prison. So I sat on the steps for a while, and while I sat, I enviously watched one happy couple after another, strolling with the arms around each other. Those boys didn’t even realize how precious the gift they had – to be able to admire their girlfriends, to find them attractive, to enjoy intimacy with them.
And the girls, with their skimpy short skirts and low-cut tops, vainly secure in their attractiveness, knowing that they could enjoy cuddling and kissing, and being admired. How could they bear to dress that way, with their tops and bottoms hanging out? I tried to imagine myself wearing such clothing, showing off my permanently female body, the tops of my breasts visible to the world, my thighs immodestly exposed…
And suddenly, to my surprise, I felt something: something at once completely new and maddeningly familiar. I was turned on! I was sexually stimulated! Not by looking at a sexy girl, not by caresses, but by imagining myself in revealing clothing! It was sick. It was perverted. It was… interesting. I could feel my nipples suddenly hardening and rubbing against the inside of my bra. I could feel dampness between my legs. I was horribly embarrassed to be stimulated like this in full view of everyone who might be passing by. My only saving grace was that, unlike similar situations when I was a boy, nobody could tell – at least I thought they couldn’t.
Gingerly, I stood up, trying to act casual, and walked slowly and as calmly as I could to my room. Naturally, both of my roommates were in our living room.
“Marsh, is something wrong?” Lee Ann asked, no doubt misinterpreting the shock and embarrassment on my face.
“You’ve been avoiding us for days, is something going on?” Terry chimed in.
“No really,” I gasped. “I’m just…” and then I realized something else. If I was permanently Marsha, these girls were going to be my roommates for the rest of the year. To my surprise, the idea made my heart leap.
“I’m just feeling a bit… queasy,” I lied, unwilling to admit the truth. I suspected that the real Marsha might have been comfortable being more forthcoming, but I was way too embarrassed.
“Oh, well, then go lie down,” Lee Ann said hurriedly. Can I get you something?”
“No thanks, I’ll be fine. I just need to lie down,” I told them. And I quickly slipped into my room and shut the door. I was still quite stimulated, and it had occurred to that this was an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up. With the exception of my not-actually-a-dream reaction to Jeremy on my first day as a girl, I had not felt any kind of sexual excitement, and that had been more in my heart and less in my… feminine parts.
I had avoided touching myself intimately, refusing to accept that what was between my legs was actually mine; that self-deception was no longer tenable, and no longer necessary. It was time to “try out the equipment.”
But first, I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to imagine myself in skimpy clothing. I unbuttoned my blouse and pulled it out of the top of my skirt so that I could manipulate it to look like a midriff-baring, low-cut blouse. I rolled up my skirt to pull the hem above my knees. I was… more than pleased with the results. Not that I would ever want anyone to see me that way, but I was definitely finding the result to be exciting.
I took off all my clothing and looked at myself in the mirror again. I didn’t find my naked body particularly exciting, but it did serve as a very visible reminder of my permanent reality. It was time to get into bed and see what I could manage.
Just before I started, though, I had a thought. Some of my girlfriends had been rather… vocal when they had climaxed. I didn’t want to broadcast what I was doing to my roommates, so I pulled down the winter quilt from my closet, pulled it over my face, and got to work.
Touching myself down there was… interesting. My hand was encountering familiar territory, of course, but I had never felt this kind of touch from the inside, as it were. At first, my excitement rose in response, both from the actual touch and the anticipation of what I was about to experience. But after a few minutes, I seemed to have reached a plateau. The feeling wasn’t getting any more intense, and even worse, my hand was getting sore.
After nearly fifteen frustrating minutes, I gave up. My wrist was killing me, and my body was on the verge and on the verge, but I couldn’t get any relief. I was exhausted and couldn’t think of anything to do but get some sleep; however, Mother Nature had one more trick to play on me.
There had been times when Vicky and I had had sex, and after I was done, she had only been getting started, but I had been too tired to continue. She had told me that she was too stimulated too sleep, but I had never understand that, or, I’m sorry to say, been all that understanding, feeling nothing but the need to sleep myself. I now understood in spades.
Payback is such a bitch.
For some reason I had it firmly planted in my mind this was someplace the author was not going to go in his story; tricky to handle, but in my opinion done pretty well. Granted, “It was… interesting” doesn’t sound quite right from someone who’s horribly embarrassed, but I’m not sure I have a better suggestion. Overall, a darker tone, which I like.
BTW, for extra credit spot the typo: “completely knew and maddeningly familiar.”
Also, “I know understood in spades.” Spell checker gone mad?
Thanks for catching the typos, Scott. Fixed.
I dislike this chapter on several levels, but most of them are not clear enough to comment on.
One thing that I find bizarre is the focus on female visual imagery which, if the literature is to be believed, is not their prime focus. Perhaps you have some inside source that I don’t. This chapter sounds very much as if it were written by a male making a guess at, an incorrect guess at, female feelings.
I sincerely dislike, and disagree with, the idea that the first real focus for his ‘new’ sexuality would be himself, his clothing, etc. as opposed to boys.
And the transition is bizarre. I get the impression that he is saying, “I am really a boy, but I am stuck permanently in a girls body, so I am really a girl,” which makes no sense to me.
and this line:
>>I was used to being Marsha the way I was.
Is particuarly appallingly passive.
All in all a very well written chapter, much more focused than many. But what it focues on I disagree with pretty much from beginning to end. And I agree with Scott that it is a dramatic change from previous chapters promises.
I am confused about the beginning of the chapter. It doesn’t seem to fit in the chapter. It definitely doesn’t seem to be in the beginning, but it doesn’t seem to fit at the end, either.
I, personally, may believe that he is morally bankrupt. But, given what he has displayed so far, I cannot think of why he himself calls himself a ‘pervert’. He has never seemed to have a problem with masturbation per se, so it can’t be that. If a boy then, as Chad points out, it is not particularly perverted to play with girl parts. And if a girl, this is simple masturbation. So why is he a ‘pervert’?
I was very disappointed with the whole Marsh/Tina conversation… from both directions. I would have liked to see Tinas idea about a vacation something they worked through together. And I was diappointed that Marsh didn’t take any moral respoisibility for his decision to stay in girl form.
>>“I’m not changing back.”
Besides not needing the inital quote, this line implies, for me, a moral responsibility, a decision. “I have decided not to try, not to worry about, to be the best girl, the best sister, the best wife, and the best mother that I can possibly be.”
Thus I was disappointed when, instead, I got ’since I can’t anyway, at least it looks that way, not that I wouldn’t jump at the chance if it came my way.’
Similarly with Vicky. He missed an opportunity to say, ‘Good for you. Since you can’t date me, I would really like you to go out with other guys, and even sleep with them, and marry them, etc.’ That might not be the way he feels, but it is what he owes her.
Hopefully these two things are coming, but I woudl have liked to see at least one of them here. It is disappointing that the only really committed thing he did was self-pleasureing.
Von, I’m going to have to disagree with you on your two points, one partially and one completely. In reverse order:
1. The transition in attitude makes sense to me. Marsh has been acclimating despite herself for a while. The latest realizations show resistance is most likely only making things hard on herself. When you’re sure you’re not moving right away, you unpack your boxes and get comfortable. You don’t read the maintenance schedule on a rental car.
2. At very best, Marsh’s libido is a very confused critter right now. But it does exist and will manifest itself somehow; who can say how? Her hormones say “no” to girls. Her experience says “no” to boys. So she’s getting off, not so much on the LOOK of herself enticingly dressed, but the act of displaying herself that way. A sexual behaviour, one might say, that does not define the gender of it’s target – and is therefore “safe.” Surely you can’t have missed that girls like to wear sexy things? I can personally assure it’s not just heterosexual girls, and not just for the benefit of their partners.
OR I could be completely wrong. We’ll probably find out in a chapter or ten.
Scott, I agree with much of what you say, although we are sailing in uncharted territory.
However I think we are far, far too far along in the story for this issue. I have argued all along that many of these issues needed to be dealt with in the first 24 hours. I firmly believe that he, if affected by a girls hormones etc., would have been having far more ‘Jeremy’ type experiences along the way… dreams etc. The kissing of Jared, and even the thought of kissing Jared, for example, should have brought forth a welter of confused libido.
But this here is far to unconfused for me. I would have liked it much bettter if, while masturbating (not that I am sayign that that was an appropriate subject matter, but IF) he should have been continulally trying to fight *down* thoughts about boys.
I think I see where Russ is going here, and next time, when he does think about boys, then bango he will succeed, freaknig him out. I am saying it is weeks and weeks to late for this scene.
Why some girls like to ‘dress sexy’ I could not tell you. However for girls, according to everything I have read and experienced, it is touch and ‘loving’ behaviors that tend to turn them on, committment and possible committment. My personal guess is that dressing sexy is related to all of those things.
Indeed, my view was expressed early on by Chad… ‘you got it, play with it, look at it’. I found Marsh’s supposed reaction to Chad depressingly irrelevant and innocuous and unhelpful. Russ and I talked about it quite a bit on PM.
I could have seen Marsh disagreeing with Chad on several levels, and I could even more see him agreeing. But the actual tact taken was, for me, very unsatisfying.
In the end, we each write our own books. Russ, in reviewing one of my books, found a particuarl incident very confusing/unrealistic; an incident that was the climax of the book in some ways; an incident that was, for me, the very raison d’etre of the book. His background and mine made our views of the incident very different.
So this scene may work for some. It doesn’t for me. It clashes with what I know of reality. But it is, in the end, his book. My review is only useful if it helps Russ see what part of his audience (a particuarly bizarre and opinionated part) is thinking and if (as he often does) it helps him make his book better in his own eyes.
Scott. You write:
>>1. The transition in attitude makes sense to me. Marsh has been acclimating despite herself for a while. The latest realizations show resistance is most likely only making things hard on herself. When you’re sure you’re not moving right away, you unpack your boxes and get comfortable. You don’t read the maintenance schedule on a rental car.
I’m not sure what part of what I wrote this was meant to disagree with. Could you clarify?
>> The closest I had now was imagining my encounter with Jeremy and kissing ‘Giles’ in character. It was no substitute for the real thing.
This line totally clashes with everything else in the later part of the chapter. Translated:
“I could remember the time that I was sexually turned on by the boy Jeremy, and I would be able to stage kiss the boy Jared.”
The boy Jared who had already made it very clear that he was willing, and eager, to have sex with the person he thinks of as the girl Marsha. So how do we get from there back to ‘not attracted to boys’ to ‘asexual’? How do we start with two examples of boys, and then deny that they had anything to do with boys? How do we start with sexual thoughts and then call ourselves asexual?
It would be like saying, “I would never be able to enjoy sports. I would merely be able to look back and last weekends flag football game, and how much I had enjoyed that. And how much I enjoy watching football on TV. But I would never be able to enjoy anything about sports. ”
If he has a mental block against remembering that he was attracted to Jeremy then fine. But if so, then he can’t use it in his own reasoning.
Some of the questions you raise I cannot answer without giving spoilers, although I have put at least two massive hints in this chapter.
As for the pervert question, it was actually stated quite explicitly in the chapter why Marsh feels this way.
>>As for the pervert question, it was actually stated quite explicitly in the chapter why Marsh feels this way.
Really?
OK, I did a search, and found:
>> Not by looking at a sexy girl, not by caresses, but by imagining myself in revealing clothing! It was sick. It was perverted.
I will repeat my question: when was the begining of the chapter ‘written’? It fits neither the beginning, nor the end. At the end he is comfortable enough with the concept to use it as a focus for his self-pleasuring, and lays in bed seemingly frustrated only by his inability to climax, not by his supposed moral failure.
And, I must say, after all he has been through, this is a bizarre thing to feel ‘perverted’ about. I could name a dozen things, but this would not even be in my top 100.
Oh, and I don’t remember raising any ‘questions’. But that is neither here nor there.
I can see some plot lines that might make sense out of some of this. But I don’t know any that will make this scene fully workable or satisfying.
But I will wait and see.
>> I’m not sure what part of what I wrote this was meant to disagree with. Could you clarify?
Seemed crystal to me:
“And the transition is bizarre. I get the impression that he is saying, “I am really a boy, but I am stuck permanently in a girls body, so I am really a girl,” which makes no sense to me.”
You APPEARED to be saying he should continue to consider himself a boy, and his attitude should never change. This isn’t my first rodeo (“magical” TG story) and when acceptance kicks in is always a big part of the plot. To drag out another comparison, amputees deal with something similar – or in a lighter vein, a Larry Niven quote: “You have to get over this sometime. How about now?”
>>>You APPEARED to be saying he should continue to consider himself a boy, and his attitude should never change. This isn’t my first rodeo (”magical” TG story) and when acceptance kicks in is always a big part of the plot. To drag out another comparison, amputees deal with something similar – or in a lighter vein, a Larry Niven quote: “You have to get over this sometime. How about now?”
OK, I C.
The situation you deal with here is dealt with, in the medical field, by the ‘stages of grief’, which I posted earlier.
I am not at all saying that he should continue to consider himself a boy. (Indeed that is an issue that goes back a long way in our conversations). I am saying that he *is* still considering himself a boy… and that that consideration does not fit with his actions.
What I was trying to say in my comment was that he was trying to hold “I am really a boy” simultaneously with “I am really a girl.” and these do not go together. The closest in the real world that we can come to would be someone who was forcibly castrated. That person begins with ‘I am a damaged boy’, and eventually comes to the acceptance of ‘I am a Eunuch’. But these need to replace, not supplement, each other.
Indeed, the rather obvious brain dead denial of his attraction to boys is one of the ways in which he is still in denial. And denial is the ‘first’ of the stages of grief. We have seen very little of the other stages.
(Chuckles) Not all that close a comparison, actually. And I could think of more than one lady who’d be thinking about castration, if you intimated a female was anything like a damaged male.
BTW, you seem to be saying Marsh’s hormones should be rather quickly overwhelming his experience. We’ll never really know, of course (there are likely brain structure issues that would preclude a real-world test) but I feel experience (what you’re used to) would be the greater influence. When I was in school they called this “canalization.”
>>BTW, you seem to be saying Marsh’s hormones should be rather quickly overwhelming his experience.
Way more than hormones. What we have seen (and done rather well) in many other areas (altho not all the ones I want to see), including the crying scene here is that the brain and body of Marsha has a huge influence over the new Marsh. This involves way more than hormones. Hormones don’t make ones fingers good at sewing. We are talking mind/body integration.
But don’t take my word for it, it is right in the story. He is attracted to Jeremy right in the beginning of the story! The ‘hormones’ already kicked in way back then. If it happened when he merely *thought* he was dreaming, what is preventing it from happening when he actually *is* dreaming? Daydreaming? Distracted? Kissing a boy??
And the sheer illogic is sometimes staggering. If he wants to have sex with boys, he can. If he wants to cuddle with boys, he can. His own words say that there is at least one boy he is attracted to, and indeed, that he himself uses to motivate himself to kiss another boy. And the story tells us that there is at least one boy that would gladly hop in his pants. So what is this *asexual* thing? It is a denial within an accpetance. A bizarre denial.
If Marsh had, previously in the story, exhibited a strong moral or social aversion to boy on boy sex, then I could understand it. He would be saying that he knew he *could* be attracted to boys but had decided, for moral or psychological reasons, to forgo acting on that.
But so far he has not done that. He merely states that he *isn’t* attracted, a couple of paragraphs or sentences after aknowledging that he *is* attracted. He denies sexual access, when the story makes it clear that he *has* sexual access.
And all of that is contingent on his still seeing himself as a boy! We know he has nothing against girl on boy sex.
>>(Chuckles) Not all that close a comparison, actually. And I could think of more than one lady who’d be thinking about castration, if you intimated a female was anything like a damaged male.
Totally wrong direction. Becoming a female is *for someone who was born and is psychologically commited to being male* the same as castration. Indeed it is worse. Here Marsh says so:
I looked down at my girly body and my girly clothing and just cried like a girl.
That is a statement, among many, of loss of manhood… of castration. To be a girl is an incredibly good thing. To be a boy is an incredibly good thing. But to be a boy who has lost his boyness… is castration, is loss. He has not yet gained his ‘girlness’. He does not rejoice in the possibility of becoming a wife, a mother. He still rejects those roles. Indeed he rejects them even more than a true male would (ie his reaction to Vicky about the baby. Good grief, lot’s of guys would hold babies and think them cute… if they were confortable in their masculinity.)
I should mention that I actuall do like the first line. I just don’t think it fits with the rest of the chapter. I can imagine a chapter it would fit with, but I can’t see Russ writing it.
‘Whether Davis and gone into hiding’
that ‘and’ should be ‘had’
“That’s what I’m telling you, Teen. “I’m not changing back.”
Redundant ” in the middle.
Now for the real comments:
>>”At very best, Marsh’s libido is a very confused critter right now. But it does exist and will manifest itself somehow; who can say how? Her hormones say “no” to girls. Her experience says “no” to boys. So she’s getting off, not so much on the LOOK of herself enticingly dressed, but the act of displaying herself that way. A sexual behaviour, one might say, that does not define the gender of it’s target – and is therefore “safe.” Surely you can’t have missed that girls like to wear sexy things? I can personally assure it’s not just heterosexual girls, and not just for the benefit of their partners.”
I agree with this, but also I don’t think it is just the “safety” aspect. I think as his brain slowly accepts that he is stuck like this, he is starting to see the things he refused to see in the beginning – namely, that she is one attractive laydee. Finding oneself attractive is probably about 30% of finding sex enjoyable for a lot of people. If you don’t feel you look attractive, you worry about how your partner thinks you look, and you can’t enjoy yourself.
Seems to me that Marsha is on the road to finding out whether she can have a relationship. It would be interesting to know if she goes for girls or boys. I think girls, because she can’t seem to understand the attraction to boys. So the next story arc would have to be a “coming out” stage…
Further to this, it even makes complete sense that she can’t quite “finish” the job:
1) She is still experimenting and doesn’t know what things press her buttons. She also might not know what areas she should be experimenting with (a lot of men don’t realise that most of the nerve endings are “higher up” and 60% of women cannot orgasm without some form of clitoral stimulation. Sorry to be blunt.
2) She has a lot on her mind. As opposed to men, women need to have the right frame of mind and the right kind of thoughts to actually get there. She’s just had a shock realisation and unless she’s good at shutting things out (which, despite the “Acting as Marsha” thing, I think she’s not), then it is going to be difficult to get that mindset. Simply being horny isn’t always enough to go on.
I seem to have switched from “he” to “she” immediately after this chapter. It’s done something right!
** my body was on the verge and on the verge, **
I think you have a repeater here.
Now I need to re-read this part to see if I can pick up on your spoiler hints.
The repetition is intentional.
Hmm, maybe I am missing the meaning then – not uncommon. Unless you mean on the verge of breakdown and on the verge of release.
Hoopla – I read it as “so damned close, again and again”.
von – maybe this was covered but “One thing that I find bizarre is the focus on female visual imagery which, if the literature is to be believed, is not their prime focus.” As you later state, this is uncharted territory. I’m fine with the imagery because s/he is still mentally male. In that respect visual imagery makes perfect sense. But I actually suspect its more what Harri points out: “Surely you can’t have missed that girls like to wear sexy things?” I predict a change in wardrobe…
Just a curiosity…how did Marsh’s makeup survive all this crying? I’m pretty sure Lee Ann would have been able to tell…
It didn’t survive – that’s why Lee Ann asked what was wrong. Maybe I should have been more explicit in the text on that point…
Not surviving is one thing, but it should really be a disaster. I’m reminded of her makeup problems in drama that Nikki had to help her with.
Maybe she actually has stuff in her purse this time to at least clean it up enough “to get past her roommate”…Lee Ann’s reaction would likely be appropriate for that situation.