07 A New Promise
“Tina!” I shouted. “Here, read this,” I said to Chad, thrusting the article at him, as my sister fled.
“Tina!” I repeated. I ran up the stairs and into her bedroom, to find her lying on her bed, crying. “What’s wrong?”
“Go away!” she snapped. “Mom says I’m not allowed to have strangers in my bedroom.”
“Tina!” I exclaimed again, upset. “It’s me, your br- I mean, your…” I stopped. That was the problem, after all. I couldn’t really say either of those alternatives, could I? At least neither was the whole truth, and she wouldn’t accept either. So I tried again. “I mean, it’s Marsh. I’m not a stranger. Talk to me!”
The eyes she turned on me were red from tears and white with anger. “I don’t have a ‘br-.’ I used to have a sister, but you killed her, didn’t you? You really aren’t Marsha, are you?”
“That’s what I was trying to tell you, Teen. I am and I’m not.”
“I didn’t want to believe you. I didn’t want to believe that Marsha was just… gone. Just like that.”
“She’s not. She… that is, I’m right here- I’m the only sibling you have, Teen. The same one you’ve always had. I’m… I’m your brother, Marshall. But it’s OK, I still love you. I promised that I’d always be there for you, and I will.”
She sat up and glared at me. “You didn’t tell me anything. Marsha did. And she obviously didn’t keep that promise, did she?”
“Both of us… I mean, I did, I mean…” This was really confusing. “Anyway, I’m here now for you, and I promise that I’ll always be here.”
“Do you? Do you really? I’ve already gotten that promise and see how that worked out. And what happens after Christmas? That’s some present you have planned for me, isn’t it?”
I had no idea what she was talking about, and I said so. “I meant always, Teen. Always.”
“But you said you were going to have those guys change you back, didn’t you? So you won’t always be here. And what happens to me, then? What happens to the Tina who grew up with a sister who was her best friend?”
“What do you mean?” I protested, trying hard not to see the implications of what she was saying. “You’re the same sister I remember. And you always loved having a big brother.”
“Am I?” she sniffled. “Everything you remember about us is different, isn’t it? Different from the way I remember it? You don’t remember how you spent all that time teaching me to put on make up? How you and I used to talk and giggle for hours? How you and Dirk took me to Hershey Park, and how he held my hand on the Big Bear roller coaster because you chickened out? Or how you guys let me stay up late and watch movies with you sometimes, even though you clearly wanted me to go to bed so you could make out?”
“Um… “ I was really creeped out at her memories of Marsha with Dirk. I was trying to think of Marsha as sort of my sister, but given that I was wearing her body, this was getting a bit too close to home. And I had to admit that I didn’t (thankfully) remember any of what she had described.
“So what happens to me if they change you back, Marsh? What happens to everything I remember?”
“I guess… I guess you’d just go back to remembering what you used to remember – what you remembered when you knew me as a boy.”
“But those aren’t my memories! Those are the memories of some other girl, some other Tina Steen. She’s gone now, and I’m here. If you give me her memories, am I really still me? Isn’t it like killing me, if my memories are all taken from me, wiped out and replaced with somebody else’s?”
That was definitely something I didn’t want to think about. If Tina was right, I had killed my own little sister, the girl I grew up with, the girl I had promised to protect, to be with no matter what. I’d had no idea what the experimented I was volunteering for was going to do, but that didn’t make it any less my fault. If Tina was right, if this Tina was right, I’d lost my sister, my real sister, just because I had wanted some extra money. The cost to myself was at least bearable, but the cost to Tina…?
“No,” I protested. “You’re the same, you have to be the same. You look the same, you act the same…” I wasn’t sure if was trying to convince her – or myself.
“But I’m not,” she wailed. “I don’t remember you as a boy. That was some other Tina, the alternate Tina. I’m the one who’s here now. And… and… and, it’s not just me,” she continued. “What about Mom? She doesn’t remember you as a boy, either. So wouldn’t you be killing her, too? And everybody else in the world that knows you? All just because you want to be a boy? What’s so great about being a boy?”
“Wait,” I stammered, but she kept right on going.
“Don’t change back, Marsh, please? Stay this way. It’s a change for the better, right? You’ll like being a girl, you really will, you always have. And… I’ll teach you, Marsh. I teach everything you taught me. About high heels, and makeup, and periods, and sex, and… Please, Marsh. Please. I don’t want to die!”
She was hysterical, and I wasn’t all that much better. I held her as close as I could, trying to comfort her. But what could I do? What could I say? How could I promise her that I would live a lie for the rest of my life? I could manage ten weeks. That was bravado, me showing that I couldn’t be beaten so easily. I would be playing a role. But you never get all the way into character, you can’t. It’s not safe. Mr. Condrin, our drama teacher, always warned us that we had to hold a little bit back; we had to remember that we were not the character we were playing. But that’s what Tina was asking – that I submerge myself so deeply into ‘Marsha’ that I give up myself.
But on the other hand, how could I tell her that I was going to change back, if it really did mean killing her? Not that I wanted to buy that interpretation; it would mean that I was hugging a stranger, that my own sister was dead, because of me. So I temporized.
“Teen, I’m not going to let anything happen to you, I’ll figure something out, you’ll be fine. I made you a promise, and I’m going to keep it.” Of course, technically, I had made my promise to the Tina I remembered, the girl she was calling, “the alternate Tina.” Didn’t I owe it to that Tina to bring her back, if I could?
“So you’ll let me teach you? And give me time to convince you to stay this way?”
“Sure, Teen,” I said, miserably. “You can teach me, I need you to teach me, and…” I didn’t want to make any promises. I didn’t want to lie to her, but if she wanted to believe that I might stay a girl, if it made her happy, how could I tell her otherwise? “… And we’ll see,” I finished, lamely.
“Promise? Do you really promise, Marsh?” It took me a moment to realize what she was asking. ‘I’ had already effectively betrayed her; it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to distrust me now – but she didn’t. She wanted to believe in me, she had to believe in me. She wanted to restore the closeness that she expected of whichever-one-of-us she thought I was. And how could I fail to respond? I needed my little sister as much as she needed me. So I gave in. I said, “Yes. I promise. You can teach me, and… I’ll give you a chance to try to convince me.”
I felt a bit guilty, because I was dead certain that try as she might, she could never succeed. I was a boy and intended to return to being one once I had fulfilled my boast. And maybe in that time, I’d be able to convince her that having her memory restored wasn’t going to be death at all. Maybe I’d even be able to convince myself.
“Tina,” I said, as gently as I could. “Are you going to be alright? Chad’s waiting for me downstairs.”
She sighed. “I guess so. I guess we should go talk with him.”
I hadn’t actually meant for her to come with me, but at least she was on my side, a bit. At least she believed me, and could help me convince him. But it turned out not to be necessary. Apparently, Marsh’s attitude towards Dirk was so different from mine, and so key to what Chad knew about her, that he was already convinced, if a bit confused.
As so much of the book revolves around what they both think happen, and this promise, I find this chapter weak. Not really sure how tosuggest change tho, except changes so dramatic you would reject them 🙂
You could tell me what you think is weak; if I agree that changes need to be made, I will make them. If I’m stuck, I might ask for suggestions.
Hmmm.
Looking at this chapter from my perspective; ie I am Marshall. I have a huge issue and responsibility in the whole area of ‘who am I supposed to be’ and ‘what am I supposed to do about it’.
The chapter begins, one supposes, with Marshall having a burden/oath toward his actual sister (the Tina that has a brother) and having a desire to regain his actual life.
Tinas desire, and what I read as her interpretation of Marshas pledge, would seem to imply that Marsha needs to live her life with the burden of all of these useless male memories; that she needs to get back to being a good sister.
The chapter ends with this conflict totally unresolved, with no clear agreement as to either what the present situation is or what the end game is, and with Marahall agreeing to *pretend* to be Marsha for the next few months.
As comes up later in the story (altho some of this may have been dealt with) Marshall ends up believing that he is somehow borrowing Marshas body while simultaneously and inconsistently believing that switching back will kill this Tina and/or Marsha.
A larger issues is also that Marshall believes that in order to pretend to be Marsha, and not have anyone find out his awful secret, he has to plunge whole heartedely into makeup, high heels, purses, etc.
If a girl of my acquaintance suddenly stopped wearing makeup, high heels, and carrying a purse (perhaps using a backpack instead) I would, after cheering her on, merely assume that she had reached some kind of philosophical decision, perhaps due to some course she was taking, or some new boyfriend.
I would not, despite being an avid reader of sci-fi, begin to guess that she was really a guy inside. Not in a gazillion years.
>>once I had proven my point.
What point?
>>“Am I?” she sniffled. “Everything you remember about us is different, isn’t it? Different from the way I remember it? You don’t remember how you spent all that time teaching me to put on make up? How you and I used to talk and giggle for hours? How you and Dirk took me to Hershey Park, and how he held my hand on the Big Bear roller coaster because you chickened out? Or how you guys let me stay up late and watch movies with you sometimes, even though you clearly wanted me to go to bed so you could make out?”
No, but I am the brother who….
So the question is, how did I fail to convey my intent, as I clearly did.
Marsh has already vowed to act the role of Marsh until the end of the year, as a hearty “up yours” to the fate that caused the change; to that end, the intent is to do what Marsha would do as closely as possible. Certainly people would not guess that such behavior changes indicate a transformation – at least under normal circumstances. But circumstances are not normal (and this is something I need to point out) – multiple people were changed by this experiment, and those who credit it (mostly the victims and their close friends) probably *would* suspect that a sudden change in behavior was due to the experiment. In order to fulfill the boast of “For the next two-and-a-half months, I’m going to play the role of Marsha Steen so well that nobody will know I’m not her. I’m going to walk like her, talk like her, wear her clothes…” Marsh does have to do all of those things. It may have been a stupid boast, but people do that sort of thing and then find themselves unable to back down easily.
So the chapter actually begins with Marsh having an oath to stay put and life the next few months as close to what he can garner of Marsha’s life as possible. That would indeed seem to conflict with his suddenly realized obligation to the sister he remembers; however, he is firmly of the belief that the two girls are the same; thinking otherwise would imply that he had killed his own sister.
The conflicts of the chapter are absolutely intended not to be resolved until the end of the year, by which Marsh will be free to ask the experimenters to undo the damage.
But somehow I failed to make this clear. Possibly it should be made more explicit in the conversation, although I had intended:
I didn’t want to make any promises. I didn’t want to lie to her, but if she wanted to believe that I might stay a girl, if it made her happy, how could I tell her otherwise? “… And we’ll see,” I finished, lamely.
to do that. But I can make the “once I had proven my point” bit more explicit.
I re-read the previous chapters, and discovered the ‘point’. Probably the believability thing, ie not at all something I would do as Marshall, so my brain kind of skipped it.
OK, I think I figured out what happened. I seriously don’t believe in ‘Fate’ as a character/issue etc., so Marshalls promise to *fate* was simply a non-event for me, and thus slipped my mind and doesn’t motivate me at all.
I (not just in this book but all over) totally discount any promise made to oneself or ‘fate’ as being meaningless and stupid; while holding in a very high regard any promise to a person or to G-d… thus my mental block/slip on this issue.
As I read on I am coming less and less to like Marshall’s character (Chapter 35 and beyond). I might like Marsha, and Marsh is sort of OK, but I really don’t think I like Marshall very well.
On your earlier comment about short hair, for me that would throw the character of Marsha off from my vision of her. Skirts and Dresses go with long hair for me. Probably because of my religious background.
I didn’t want to make any promises..;.. to her. He has already made the promise to self regarding ‘fate’.
You may well have communicated well to other readers. This may merely be an issue on my part.
>>thinking otherwise would imply that he had killed his own sister.
Or, and this is where my conflict comes in, that he has abandoned his own sister. If he can ‘get back’, then there is a world out of the rabbit hole,there is a sister waiting for him there… perhaps a sister right now dealing with a brother that remembers being a girl (and is a lot nicer. She probably won’t want her brother back 🙂 )
The hair thing was mostly just me realizing that I had overlooked something.
The whole “get back to another world” scenario relies on assumptions that Marsh is making. Without the actual details of how the experiment worked, it is premature to predict how people might react to additional changes.
>>The whole “get back to another world” scenario relies on assumptions that Marsh is making. Without the actual details of how the experiment worked, it is premature to predict how people might react to additional changes.
huh?
I am trying to say that it would be good for me if it were clear what Marsh and Tina and Chad each thought would happen if things changed back. It has nothing to do with what WOULD happen. I want it to be clearer what they are each thinking about it. Clearer in dialoge… not a monologue 🙂
I would understand more of each of their motivation,and thus their actions.
>>The hair thing was mostly just me realizing that I had overlooked something.
I know, I am just telling you that it would slightly spoil the character for me, and change her for everyone.
Stupid me.
The preceding two comments were by Von, and not his daughter.
Sorry, misunderstood your question. Nobody in the story has done any kind of deep philosophical examination of the implications of time travel at this point. Marsh simply wants whatever-it-was undone and therefore is intent on believing that nobody else would be harmed by such a reversal. Tina is afraid of a change that might cause her to vanish from existence retroactively as though she were an error in a document and somebody hit ‘undo.’ Chad doesn’t seem to have thought too much about what would happen.
Ah. I guess I am just a deep philosophical guy, because that question, and their answers, drives my whole motivation engine.
I saw Marsh as believing that things will just get ‘back to normal’ with Teen being OK with him as a brother.
I see Teen as thinking that if he changes she will then have to live with a brother, and lose her sister. I have a huge hole in her motivation, as she doesn’t seem at all concerned about her missing sister-who-knows-her-as-sister. Anne said she saw Teen as believing, as you put it, that she will die. But that doesn’t seem consistent to me, she isn’t panicked enough. She certainly wouldn’t accept the ’till Christmas’ thing if she thought she would actually die/vanish at that point.
I see (based on later evidence) Chad as being very ambivalent, and if anything leaning toward, ‘hey I want to keep this very cute girl who thinks of me as her best friend and who I do NOT have to treat as a sister-I-grew-up-with. I do not see his comments to Marsh (unpublished chapter) as being consistent with the relationship he had with Marsha, or even and true ‘girl’.
Note: don’t know what kind of girl Marsha was, but it would have occasioned some remark the first day going out without makeup, no? Unless she sometimes didn’t wear it?
(Personally, I hate makeup.)
For me this chapter added a tension, heightened another tension and at the same time eased several others.
The tensions that were eased by the end of the chapter, were two of the relationship tensions (Is he going to lose his great friendship with Chad due to this? And : Is he going to lose his great relationship with Tina?) and the whole ‘how is he going to emotionally handle being a girl’ tension. It is obvious Chad is going to be OK with things, Tina is calm again, and Marsh has resolved to face the prospect of being a girl undaunted.
A tension that was added was the question of what will happen if he changes back. Even though I was expecting this one to come up, (I have read to many books to go along with the whole ‘this will be really simple’ idea.) I am still really curious as to how he is going to deal with it.
Another minor tension, but one with a potential to develop, is the idea that he might not really like Marsha. So far Marsha dated a boy for 2 years that he thinks is a total jerk, she talked to Tina about things that Marshall never would have. Will see if this continues to develop and cause problems. Also, if he does change back, will he decide to do things differently as Marshall because of his stint as Marsha?
Marsh has to be careful here, or he is going to lose my respect. Obviously he has/had a very close relationship with Tina. If he abandons her here, in any manner, that is going to be a problem for me.
Tina I think is being a bit hysterical, but she probably has justification. I am always critical of girls in stories who let themselves go all emotional when there is a serious crisis to deal with. So far she has done pretty well, she just has this one weak point, which I think is good and makes her more real.
I don’t know how well Tina knows Chad, but it seems like she doesn’t know him as well as Marshall, or even as well as Marsha, so it seems a bit odd that she would be willing to go back down to talk to him with her hair and face all messed up. Usually this would take a couple of minutes in front of the mirror (not long because of the fact that Chad is waiting). It is only if she knew Chad pretty well that she wouldn’t mind him seeing her right after she’s been crying.
You could just ignore this though, and it wouldn’t be that much of a problem.
Getting more and more interesting!
Again, I’ve not read ahead of the story at this point. With that in mind, I can’t help but think as a Science-Fiction writer. At this juncture, there are two possibilities:
1. The experiment actually was some kind of time manipulation — in which case it may or may not be reversible. (If Marsh is different because, as speculated, a distraction made sperm “X” reach target instead of sperm “Y”, there is no guarantee that a second distraction would cause the specific sperm that resulted in “Marshall” to win the race. All “Y”-Chromosome sperm are not identical.)
2. The experiment might actually be testing some kind of memory alteration system, and has made “Marsha” remember an extremely detailed, but fictional life as a male.
Ah, relativity. . . .