37 A Neutral Answer
I planned my call with Nikki before I dialed her number. Our friendship had been based around theater and sewing, but her warmth gave me confidence that she would help me out here, as well. Still, I would feel a lot more comfortable talking to her in person, so I decided to invite her over on a pretext and then ask.
I was afraid that she might be spending the day with Alvin, but she answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Nikki. Um… It’s Marsh.”
“Hi, Marsh!”
“Um… I wanted to ask you something. Um… I just pinned up my roommate’s gown for her, and I was wondering if you could take a look at it.”
“Oh! Well, I can certainly do that. When would be a good time for you?”
“Um… now?”
“Now?” She paused for a moment. “OK. I’ll be right over.”
She arrived about five minutes later and inspected my work with Terry’s gown.
“Not bad. I see you even figured out about opening the seam. I think that somehow, you still do remember some of this.”
“I suppose that’s possible,” I admitted. “I have no idea why I remember my old life at all.”
“You really should tell me something about that old life of yours. The way you’ve been coping makes me wonder if you aren’t better off, now.”
I was about to disillusion her on that score, but before I could say anything, she stepped back and asked me, “Now, why don’t you tell me the real reason you wanted me to come over?” Seeing my surprise, she added, “Marsh, you have several weeks to get this gown done and we haven’t even gone over how to do it. There was no reason at all for you to be in a hurry for me to look it over.”
So much for that pretext. But she had come over, which is what mattered. “It’s just something that… I’m not really sure…” I took a breath and jumped right in. “What is it supposed to feel like when you admire someone?”
“What?!” She stared at me. That was obviously not the kind of question she had been expecting.
“I mean, when you’re looking at somebody… and you think they’re really attractive…”
“Oh,” she answered, “You mean, like when you see a guy and you think to yourself, ‘Yum, I wouldn’t mind some of that’? Not that I look anymore, I mean, since I started dating Alvin.”
“You don’t?”
She smirked. “Well, not as far as he knows, anyway. Is that what you mean?”
“Yeah, something like that,” I said.
“Are you having a problem?”
It was a bit embarrassing to explain. “I just… I’ve noticed that I look at… people who I know I would have found attractive, before… before this change happened… and now I just don’t feel anything. I was wondering if somehow it’s affected my ability to… you know, enjoy the feeling.”
She looked thoughtful. “Did you date a lot in your old life?”
“Pretty much constantly,” I told her. “I hadn’t really gone without a date for more than a month or so in years.”
“That is different. The Marsha I remember barely dated at all. I think you told me about a boyfriend in high school…?”
“Dirk Simon,” I muttered.
“And I think there were a couple of dates here and there last year, but that’s it. Maybe you just don’t have the same drive you remember. Or… you know I was joking. I don’t really spend any time looking at other guys. I’m just not interested. Maybe that’s your case as well… maybe you’re still fixated on that guy from high school, so you’re not interested in other guys?”
“That wasn’t me. I didn’t date him,” I protested, “I didn’t even particularly like him, and the whole idea that people remember ‘me’ as having done so makes me sick to my stomach, actually.”
“Then I really have no ideas. It’s not a feeling that you could miss. Your pulse starts racing a bit, you feel a bit of tension in your chest… If you’re attracted to somebody, you should be able to tell.”
And that was that, apparently. I really hadn’t found any of those girls attractive, even though I thought that I should have. I knew that Marsha had been interested in boys. What if my brain and her body just couldn’t communicate on this concept? So I’d look at a girl, but was stuck reacting with her body, which just didn’t find girls attractive.
I sagged on to my bed. “I guess I‘d been sort of expecting that answer, Nikki,” I said. “I’d been hoping that I was just missing something.”
She sat next to me and took my hands. “Tell me what you’re feeling now, Marsh”
“What I’m feeling?” It wasn’t a question that I was used to being asked. “Disappointed, bereft, lonely…”
Certainly, I’d accepted that I wasn’t going to be dating. I’d seen no indication that dating another girl could possibly be considered in character for Marsha. Still, I had thought that at least I’d have had extra opportunities for girl watching, and that I could still enjoy that. Now, even that pleasure was apparently to be denied me.
“Lonely?” she prompted me.
“Well, it means that I’m pretty much asexual, now, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know. I guess that’s something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself.” She looked at me as though trying to decide if I wasn’t telling her something. Of course, there was, but I thought that I had been ambiguous enough that she would draw the safe – and incorrect – conclusions. “Besides, even if you are, there’s no reason you couldn’t date anyway, if you want to. You could form a relationship based on other things.”
“It’s just… strange. As though I’ve lost a part of myself.”
I was calmer than I would have expected. I suppose it was easy to console myself by remembering that it was only temporary. And it might even be an advantage, since I wouldn’t have to hide my responses if I ran into my roommates – or even other girls – in the nude or in revealing clothing.
So I smiled bravely at Nikki and said simply. “I guess this means that I have that much more to learn about the new me.”
“That’s the spirit, Marsh!” she said. “If only Ben had that attitude.”
If Ben were willing to look for the experimenters and ask them to change him back, maybe he’d feel better. He was only hurting himself with his paranoid theory that people had ‘done this to him’ on purpose. Out of friendship to Nikki, I decided, I would let him know where they where when I found them and encourage him to ask them to change him back quickly. After all, he didn’t have this stupid boast to live up to, as I did.
“So,” Nikki suggested, smiling at me, “as long as I’m here, are you ready for another lesson?”
Whatever the cause of my mood, spending time with Nikki seemed a really good way to spend the evening, so I agreed. Today’s lesson was on simple repairs, and I picked it up as quickly as I had the others, realizing without even being told that a torn belt loop indicated that the material behind it needed to be reinforced. Nikki showed me how to do exactly that, using some backing material from Marsha’s sewing kit.
Following her directions, I pinned and sewed the backing material inside the pants, and then cross-stitched the loop to it. A few experimental tugs demonstrated that the repair would hold. Again, the whole procedure had just felt really natural and obvious to me. Maybe I did remember some of what Marsha had known, although I couldn’t remember anything that had actually happened to her. I’m not sure how I would have felt if I had. How would I feel if I started remembering her life? I shuddered at the idea that I might remember kissing Dirk or something of that sort.
“Well,” Nikki observed, “at least this discovery hasn’t thrown off your sewing instincts. You seem to be some kind of prodigy, Marsh. I’m wondering if you’re even going to need my help for much longer.”
“That’s not funny, Nikki,” I told her, afraid that she might not be joking. “I… I may have picked up a few tricks, but I’m not nearly –“
She laughed. “It’s OK, Marsh. I’m not going anywhere. We’re friends, remember? I was complimenting you.”
I nodded, reassured.
“Oh, by the way. Alvin spoke to Jared about propositioning you. He was as angry as I was, and he let Jared know. He’ll back off, now. You don’t have to be afraid of him.”
“Wait. He did what?”
“He told Jared off.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. I thought Alvin was supposed to be this brilliant director. How could he have done such a thing?
“But… I thought the idea was to get us to be friends! To be able to work together! How are we going to be able to do that if he resents me for running to Alvin?”
She looked nonplussed. “But… I thought that was what you wanted.”
“No, Oh no. I should have… Aaah, not your fault. But things just got that much worse.”
And it really was my fault. I should have told her not to tell Alvin. For that matter, I should have just calmly told Jared, ‘no.’
“If you need…” she started, then stopped and shook her head. “I guess I’ve done enough damage, huh?”
I nodded and she gave me a hug. At least I had a good friend. That should count for something if this all goes boom.
We cleaned up the sewing work, said our goodbyes and she left. I had one day left. One day before Jared and I came face to face again. I was not looking forward to it. Not at all.
You might want to fix this:
>>“I don’t know whether to be angrier at Jared for propositioning you, or at Alvin for suggesting that you two somehow force a friendship,” she hissed. “Alvin is definitely going to hear from me on this!”
in an earlier chapter.
Is that inconsistent with something in this chapter?
It seems inconsistent with this:
“Oh, by the way. Alvin spoke to Jared about propositioning you. He was as angry as I was, and he let Jared know. He’ll back off, now. You don’t have to be afraid of him.”
“Wait. He did what?”
“He told Jared off.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. I thought Alvin was supposed to be this brilliant director. How could he have done such a thing?
—
I at least ended the earlier chapter absoloutely sure that Nikki would be leaving there to go tell Alvin all about what Jared had done, and that Alvin would be talking to Jared and telling him to chill it. So this what Nikki said to today left me totally non-shocked.
So either I need to know what Marsh thought would happen when Nikki told Alvin (that must of necessity differ from what I thought) or the earlier chapter needs to go without the ‘I will tell Alvin’.
“But… I thought the idea was to get us to be friends! To be able to work together! How are we going to be able to do that if he resents me for running to Alvin?”
She looked nonplussed. “But… I thought that was what you wanted.”
“No, Oh no. I should have… Aaah, not your fault. But things just got that much worse.”
sorry for the format of that earlier comment, silly copy/paste.
BTW: As I state off-blog, this chapter totally doesn’t work for me. ‘Nough said.
>>Now, even that pleasure was apparently to be denied me.
Ummm. This seems disconnected. “I wasn’t turned on” vs “It wasn’t pleasant” or “It wasn’t a pleasure”
It seems to be like what he was saying was that he was used to a certain part of the day being taken up with the ‘pleasure’ of being turned on by girls; and now he was going to miss that ‘pleasure’.
But this doesn’t seem to fit with the overall theme; which is his fear that he has been emasculated.
Hmmm, am I explaining. Suppose that he was to find out that he was going to be spending the next three months at an all boys school. He would be in the similar position of not being ‘pleasured’ with the sight of beautiful females. But he would not at all be worried about emasculation.
He seems to be to be in the same position as a boy who has just been an automobile accident and been damaged in his genitals. The prime question would seem to be ‘am I still a boy?!”
So, “I knew I had lost the physical equipment to do anything with girls, but I had hoped that my mental equipment was still intact. But now it seemed as if I had lost that too.”
And it would seem natural to me that he would begin to worry about being attracted to boys. I realize you are trying to put this off, but it seems like the elephant in the room. Or maybe even, “At least I wasn’t running around getting turned on by boys, that would be too much to handle.”
I dunno.
Oh that’s intentional. Marsh expected Nikki to tell Alvin, but didn’t expect him to tell Jared off, since that seems so obviously a bad move as far as the play is concerned. If she thought about it at all, it was to assume that the point was simply to chastize Alvin. It’s Alvin‘s action that shocked her, not Nikki’s. I could possibly make that more explicit.
>>Oh that’s intentional. Marsh expected Nikki to tell Alvin, but didn’t expect him to tell Jared off, since that seems so obviously a bad move as far as the play is concerned. If she thought about it at all, it was to assume that the point was simply to chastize Alvin. It’s Alvin’s action that shocked her, not Nikki’s. I could possibly make that more explicit.
I guess I can’t think of anything else Marsh could have expected. It was exactly what I walked out of that chapter expecting Alvin to do. What did he think Alvin would do?? Just ignore it???
(Note: that is why I had said I would have had Marsh plead with Nikki not to tell Alvin in that chapter. Which wouldn’t mean that he wouldn’t drag it out of her, and this chapter still happen.)
Marsh wasn’t really focusing on what Alvin would do – s/he took “Alvin will hear it from me” as “I’m going to scold him” rather than “I’m going to give him information so that he can act.” The subject then switched so quickly, there was no real time to think at that time of the consequences.
But Marsh should really think about it later, and I left that out.
Like most people, Marsh is not 100% self aware. Most males put the possibility of being attracted to other males in the “not even thinking about it” category, along with the possibility of the sun exploding, a plane flying into their bedrooms, and their clothing spontaneously catching fire. To an outsider, the possibility that a boy-cum-girl would then become attracted to boys is something fun to consider. For the victim, it would probably represent a major assault on their identity.
Marsh knew that she was going to around girls in a much more intimate setting than before, and thought that the opportunity to enjoy looking would be a consolation for the lack of opportunities to date girls as a boy. The idea that it would no longer be pleasurable to do so is harmful to his/her self-image.
>>Most males put the possibility of being attracted to other males in the “not even thinking about it” category, along with the possibility of the sun exploding, a plane flying into their bedrooms, and their clothing spontaneously catching fire.
Most boys have not been transformed into a girls body, and are not dealing with the fact that they have suddenly found out they are not attracted to girls, even when they stand naked in front of them.
You don’t need to defend your book. If it works for you, great. I am just telling how the book hits me. It hits me as unrealistic that he would begin to panic about being attracted to boys: what with being propositioned by a boy, playing a newlywed girl, having his girlfriends tell him he should get a boyfriend, etc.
What would be out of the realm of possibility for you or I, would be in the realm for him. Or so it seems to me.
>>Marsh knew that she was going to around girls in a much more intimate setting than before, and thought that the opportunity to enjoy looking would be a consolation for the lack of opportunities to date girls as a boy.
I think this is a wonderful plot tension however it plays out (ie voyeur vs moral but frustrated). I also think it needed to come up way earlier, so that its failure to work now would be more of a blow. Perhaps Chad could bring it up back when they first discuss the thing… locker room possibilities etc.
BTW, a general note that I don’t make often enough: I am enjoying this book. I personally really like it when people give me specific , detailed, and negative feedback, so that is what I try to do for others… when I like their books.
If I don’t, I just dont’ read them.
Von
>>He was only hurting himself with his paranoia.
I probably should know, but what paranoia? Perhaps better spelled out here, since I forget it (and I have sort of been following the story)
Nikki had explained a few chapters ago that Ben was convinced the change to him was deliberate in order to hurt the basketball team. I’m not sure how to spell it out again here in a way that would be natural.
He was only hurting himself with his paranoid theory that people had ‘done this to him’ on purpose.
>> Yes, I realize that that merely defines ‘paranoid’. but it fleshes it out enough for me, here.