17: Fear and Trembling

“He’s scared, love,” mother said. We were sitting in my room after my shower, a shower with almost as many tears as water from the shower. I was flopped on my bed naked, and Mom was sitting next to me stroking my head
“Scared?” I asked, hiccuping. I hated it when I hiccuped after crying.
“He’s afraid he is going to lose you. In fact, he has to lose you. We talked after you went upstairs. The only way he can see to save you is to send you back. He figures if he can make it so none of thie ever happened, then you will be safe.”
“But I don’t want to be safe, I want to be with him,” I cried.
“For someone who was a boy a few days ago, you are awfully attatched to this boy,” she said.
“Even there he was by best freind,” I said, “and I am a girl now! I told you that, why don’t you beleive me? I am a girl now, I feel things like a girl. Daddy is right, even my brain is different, not just my ovaries and stuff. It is like I see the world completley differently. And when I see Caleb, what I see is a boy I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Do you want to sleep with him?” She asked, bluntly.
“Yes and no.” I said, sitting up an wrapping my arms around my knees. “I don’t sit up at night dreaming about his naked body or anything. But I think about him laying with me, and putting his arms around me, and both of us falling asleep together.”
She smiled, gently, “You are right, my darling, you are a girl. Your father, love him, can hardly see me naked without wanting to throw me on the bed and make ourselves a new baby. But we girls, we like the hugs, and the carresses, and just being there with them.”
“And now you have to be a big girl for him.” She got up and pulled back my sheets, and I put on some panties, crawled in and let her cover me and kiss me. “He is trying to be brave, and do the manly thing, and you will have to convince him that ‘one flesh’ implies going through difficult and dangerous times together, not just protecting. Get him in bed as soon as you can, dear.”
“What?” Hardly the advice I expected from my mother.
“He’ll be less inclined to be rational once you’re making babies together. Make it seem like his idea, but get him in bed. I must say you have been doing well with that. I don’t know where you got the courage to come to breakfast topless. I was something I always wanted to do for your father when we first got married. He was always asking me to but I never could brazen it out, except a couple times on our honeymoon, and that was in a hotel room, which doesn’t really count.”
“Jenny’s trying too,” I said.
“Yes, she wants to be big like you, but she’s a coward like me.” Mom said, ruefully.
“You could try again, Mom. Dad would like it.”
“That he would,” she said, grinning, “Perhaps when you are at school and Caleb isn’t so likely to come over I will try it again. Goodnight, dear.”
“Goodnight, Mom.” I said, and she kissed me again, “Sleep well.”
—
“Morning Bobbi!” Jenny said, leaping onto my bed.
“Good morning,” I said, getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom, “what are you up to?”
“Well, after breakfast I have practice. Can you take me again?”
“Sure. You going to try again this morning?” I asked, noting that she had on only boxers. I dropped my panties to pee as she blushed, and said,
“Yep. I’m going to sit on the other side of the table today. That way if Caleb comes in, well, it will be too late to run away.”
I laughed as I got into the shower and she brushed her teeth. I knew that Caleb had to work early this morning, and wouldn’t be coming over, but I wouldn’t spoil this for anything. And it was quite a sight, watching her staring at the doors every few seconds, until, about halfway through the meal, she must have decided he wouldn’t come and relaxed. Mother and I had fun winking at each other whenever she wasn’t looking.
After breakfast I ran upstairs and got dressed. I decided on a pink blouse and a dark blue skirt. Jenny was wearing her uniform again, of course. It must make it easy to get dressed, never having to choose. I was still brushing my hair when I ran out to the car. I kept forgettting how long it took. Jenny had fun trying to braid it while I drove.
The music hall, ironically, wasn’t a good place to work on my alto, so instead I brought along the script, and started working on my lines for the play. The less I had to do in that line once I got to college, the more I could work on other things. I glanced around several times, but Jervis didn’t show up, just a couple of mothers sitting in a corner, one of them working on her knitting.
Jenny and Suzy showed up arm in arm, just as I emerged from the bathroom for the second time. Boy, girls have to pee a lot! “Doing better girls?” I asked them.
“Oh, Bobbi,” Suzy said, apologetically, “I’m so sorry I was rude to you last time.”
“No problem. Where’s your brother?”
“Oh, he had to go back to school early. It was a bummer. He got a call on Friday right after rehersal, talked for a few minutes on the phone, and then took off. Mom was most upset. He’s in some special program, and they needed him.”
“So, can I drive you home then?”
“Oh, would you? That would be great. Mom told me to call her when we got done, but she really is busy…”
“No problem,” I said, “hop in.”
So, the girl hopped, and I drove. Too bad about her brother. I was glad I wasn’t part of a program like that, having to miss part of break. Not that I cared about him, anymore obviously. But still.
“Did you hear about that boy getting arrested?” The girl asked me, from where the two were sitting together.
“Bobbi was at church when it happened!” Jenny said, “She and Caleb.”
“Who’s Caleb?” Suzy asked, “Her boyfriend?”
“No, silly, her fee-ahn-say, or, as my dad says, her ‘husband’.”
“You’re married?” Suzy said, “I didn’t know that. Since when?”
“Since Friday night,” I said, “ and we are, techinically, engaged.”
“So did you see them take the boy,” she asked, coming back to her topic.
“No, I was in the girls room at the time. I came out just after they had taken him, but while everyone was still screaming and yelling.”
“Did they beat him up? I heard they beat him up!”
“I didn’t hear anything about that,” I said, “I just heard that they took him away.”
“I heard they beat him up,” Suzy said, “all bloody, right on the church steps.”
“There’s my house,” she added, “do you want to come over Jenny?”
“Not… not today Suzy,” Jenny said, sounding a bit disappointed, “I have to help around the house.”
“Oh, well, sorry. Call me if you can come later. We can still swim, you know, our pool is heated.”
“Oh, OK,” Jenny said.
“Well, glad you made up with her,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, she’s great.”
“What program is her brother in?” I asked.
“She doesn’t know. Whenever she asks she says her brother gets all stupid and says, ‘I can’t tell you. National security.’”
My heart beat rapidly, but I didn’t say anything.
“Are you ready to practice, dear?” Mother said when I got home. She was wearing a light chiffon dress, and still sweating. We didn’t use the airconditiong much even at the height of summer. She didn’t have any volunteer work this morning, one of the few mornings in the month she didn’t.
“Yes,” I said, “I need to get this right. ”
An hour later I was almost crying. Alto was hard! Bass was easy compared to this. I only had two songs I could so so far, and they were both easy.
“You are getting tired, dear,” Mother said, “get a drink and then go work on something else.”
I got a drink and then Jenny and I went upstairs to my room. I had completely forgotten to get undressed earlier, even to take the bra off, but I did it now, and sat down at the computer. “Quiz me on my roomates while I get on facebook,” I said to Jenny. “We’ll do two things at once.”
“OK, just a second,” she said, and ran off and came quickly back, in her panties. “I figure if I practice now breakfast will be easier,” she said, and I laughed and agreed.
“What are your roomates names?” She asked me.
“Tess and Riverwalk,” I said.
“And what are they like?” She asked, which I thought a bit vague, but I tried to repeat what everyone had told me and what I had learned, “Riverwalk is a junior. She is tall, blackhaired, flat-chested. She hates makeup and everythign like that like I do. She sleeps with every boy in school and volunteers for the life-drawing classes. She is incredibly modern, and thinks that marriage is sexist and oppressive… altho she is still thrilled whenever any of her freinds get engaged, and most of us think that she would love to have some boy propose. She loves art, and wears all sorts of funky artsy clothes when she wears clothes at all. We all wonder if her name is Indian, or named after the Riverwalk in Texas, but she won’t tell us. ”She’s on the pill and hardly ever has periods.“
She drove Roberta crazy at first because she never wears clothes in the dorm and played loud music. But she got used to her dress code, and Riverwalk started using an I-pod for her music, which was all that weird natural stuff and not that bad anyway. Oh, and she likes natural foods.“
“Good. And Tess?”
“Tess is tall too, but not at all flat chested, indeed is almost chunky. She has a boyfriend, who is over a lot, and Roberta had a hard time with that at first, but eventually she learned to ignore them, and the boyfriend is nice anyway, and always turns his back when she changed, unlike some of riverwalks boys who like to stare and make comments. She is an accounting major, and her boyfriend is a mathematician, and if it wasn’t for the fact that they do it like bunnies she says you could hardly notice them… at least when he is there. Roberta says that when the boyfriend, whose name is Stan, is gone, then Tess really likes to chat, and Roberta has a hard time studying.
She wears T-shirts and pants alot, and likes to make fun of Roberta and Riverwalk for their dress.“
“They’re both nice girls, tho, and Roberta really liked them. Oh, and Tess eats too much and is always leaving candy around, which her boyfriend brings her, and he is chunky too.”
“Good,” Jenny said, “now, some other girls. Who is Jill…?”
We had been studying for a good two hours, and I had done a good bit of ‘chatting’ in the meantime, when a voice from the door said, “Hey, girls, your mom says…” and Jenny screamed and flipped over on the bed.
“Your mom says,” he continued, grinning, as I threw Jenny a shirt, which she wiggled into, her eyes facing the bed, “that since I am here now we should go downstairs and sing some more.”
“OK,” I said, “I’m sure Jenny will be down in a minute.” I took his arm and, his eyes very busy, we went downstairs.
This rehearsal went much better. Between Caleb’s tenor and Jennies (embarrassed) soprano I was able to find my alto much more easily. But, back in my room with just Caleb, he was very upset by what I told him about Jervis.
“And you say you two talked for over an hour?” He asked, “and he saw you try to figure out which restroom to go into?” He flopped back onto the bed, groaning. “That’s terrible.”
I lay down next to him, my hand on his arm, “But he didn’t even know about the experiment then,” I said. “And none of the others turned from a boy into a girl, so he won’t think anything of that.”
“I hope so,” he said, turning to kiss me. I thought for a second that my mom would get her wish, but he got up again with a jerk, “I have just got to figure out how to fix this, before they come to get you and your family,” he said. “I’m going to go do some more research. Call me when you are ready to practice again.”
I flopped back on the bed. It was all very easy for Mother to say to get him to bed, and I knew I could do it. But… I was scared myself. And I knew I had a duty to Roberta, and, for that matter, to her family, whose daughter I wasn’t, however much they had taken me in.
“I saw Caleb leave,” Jennys voice said from the door, having resumed her earlier dress code, “do you want to study some more?”
“Sure Jen’s,” I said, “let’s go over the play. I’m sick about learning about girls.”
But as I worked through my part, I started out the window toward his window. Out the window toward another window. The window that I wanted to be behind.