Take a Lemon

“So now what?” Vicky asked me after Eric left.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “Just having the feeling that there’s a chance, however slim it might be, takes a real weight off my mind. I’m just not sure what to do now. Eric’s going to be doing the bulk of the work, and it takes skills and knowledge that you and I don’t have.”

“We still need to interview some of the Strangers,” she reminded me.

I nodded. “There is that.”

“So, you want to take in a movie?”

I smiled. “That sounds like a really great idea.”

And it was. There was a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and a lot of the students had come in costumes and brought props and were shouting at the screen. It was a totally fun experience and I didn’t have think about anything except being with Vicky and enjoying myself. The only weird part came when I walked her home, and once again the two of us hesitated, since we had been so used to ending that particular moment with at least a goodnight kiss, even if she didn’t invite me inside. Now, of course, none of that made any sense.

So when she asked, “Do you want to come in?” I stared for a moment, certain that she had made a mistake out of habit. But she saw me stare, flushed and then added, “I don’t mean it like that! I just thought we could talk some more.”

I nodded, and followed her inside. When we got to her bedroom, she sat on her bed and I took her chair. She seemed nervous, as though she wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure how.

“So…” she started.

“So…?” I prompted her.

“Um… how long do you think it’s going to take? You know, before Eric actually finds…”

“Oh…” I looked away. It wasn’t something I wanted to think too hard about. “It’s kind of hard to say. It pretty much has to be before he graduates, though, doesn’t it?”

She stared, so I explained, “He’s helping us because of his sister. Once he graduates, do we really have any hope that some other physics major will step in? I don’t think so.”

“Oh…”

“We’re already assuming that there’s something for him to find. We’ll just also assume that he can find them in time, that’s all.”

“OK…” The answer obviously didn’t satisfy her. Well, I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about it, either. But it was all I had.

“And that sort of leads to something, else, Vix. I sort of have to think about what happens if it doesn’t work.”

“I don’t think we need to think about that now,” she said quickly.

“No, we do,” I insisted. “Just in case. Just to be safe. I don’t want to have to suddenly try to figure things out if I find out I really am stuck. As long as it looks like there’s a way back, I don’t mind exploring. There’s no real pressure. But there’s no way I’ll be able to do it if I have no choice.”

“Marsh, it’s already hard for me to keep up with you when you’re not trying to act like a girl. Look at me. I’m wearing skirts and dresses like everyday now, and I don’t really have enough. But you wear them, so I need to. And you sew. Cook, too, if I remember right.”

“Cooking isn’t–” I started, but she cut me off.

“I have to be girlier than you, Marsh. I have to be. That’s why I’m even dating a guy I’m not really attracted to – at least I know I don’t have to worry about you doing that. But it seems so much easier for you to be girly without trying. If you started actually working at it, I don’t know what I’d do.

It took me a moment to react to that. On the one hand, my heart leapt upon hearing that she wasn’t really attracted to Kevin. On the other hand… “I’m not really being girly, Vix. Wearing a dress? It’s just a costume – and one that fits the role I’m playing. And sewing is just a craft.”

“One that you’re apparently good at.”

“Tailors sew, and they’re men. I just get called a seamstress because I’m a girl.”

“‘Because you’re a girl,’” she repeated. “Is that how you think, now? That you’re a girl?”

“Well…” I started. “I’m not sure how else to say it. I mean, I’m not really a girl, not in my heart of hearts, but for now, I sort of am. If this thing with Eric works out, I won’t be anymore, but until then…

“That’s the key. I don’t know that it’s going to work. I hope so…”

“Me, too.”

“Yeah, but until then, I have to live like this, and I can’t really keep telling myself that I’m just playing a role–”

“You just did,” she pointed out.

“OK, maybe I’m still lying to myself, a little. This isn’t easy. To keep my sanity, I have to believe certain things. When I decided that there was no hope, I freaked out. I couldn’t think. It was like everything came crashing down, all at once. To be really honest with myself, I know that my chances aren’t all that great of getting back, but I can’t think about it that way. I have to believe that it’s probably going to happen, and that I’m just sort of dealing with the ‘what if’ case. But I do have to deal with it, because there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to happen.”

She didn’t answer right away. She sat, brooding, on her bed for a moment. Then she turned to me. “But you do want to change back, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“And… you’ll want to be my boyfriend again if you do?”

The ‘if’ didn’t bother me as much as the last time she had used it; ‘if I change back’ is still better than it could have been. “Vicky,” I told her, “you’re very special to me. I miss ‘us.’ I want to be part of a couple with you again, and if there is anything at all that I can do to make that happen, I will.”

She nodded, apparently reassured. “OK. I really loved… I mean, love you, Marsh.”

“Yeah. Um… so about Kevin…”

She looked embarrassed. “Does that bother you so much, that I’m seeing another guy right now? I mean, you’re not around as a guy, otherwise…”

“Yeah, I’m… going to have to deal with it, I guess. I mean, yeah, it bothers me, but I have to say that it’s your right to have a boyfriend. Loving somebody means wanting them to be happy, right? Is he making you happy, Vix?”

“Well, it’s kind of early yet.”

“I just don’t know why you’d be seeing a guy you’re not really attracted to, is all.”

She squirmed at the question. “It’s not like I have a lot of choices. There’s too many girls here. There’s too much competition. I take what I can get.”

“Yeah, but you’re special, Vix. You should be able to get any guy you like.”

“You’re sweet, Marsh, but that’s not how it works.”

“Are the guys here all stupid, or what? I mean, I’m not crazy about seeing you with another guy, but… but, when I change back, that’ll all be undone anyway.”

She smiled. “Except that you and I will remember, right? You’re not worried that I’ll be so much in love with whoever I date that I won’t want to be with you anymore?”

Actually, I hadn’t thought of that, and now that she mentioned it, it did worry me, but I couldn’t really admit that, could I? “I’ll have to take that chance, I guess.”

“Thank you.”

We sort of looked at each for a while. A couple of months ago, being together in her bedroom would probably have led to us kissing and cuddling by now. Our rhythm seemed thrown off without it, and things were starting to feel a bit awkward. We’d expressed our feelings and hopes, and now one of us had to come up with something else to say, but anything I could think of them seemed so anticlimactic just now. How do you talk about classes, or even theater, after expressing wistfulness about a love that has to be on hold?

Vicky tried, at any rate. “So… how’s the play going?”

“Um… not too badly. I mean, it’s going really well. I’m having a good time, and Alvin really is a good director. I think it’s going to be great.”

“I can’t wait to see it.”

“Yeah.”

I think both of us were reluctant for me to leave. It felt as though there were still things that we needed to say to each other; I just couldn’t think what. Neither could she, apparently. But if I left, would we ever think of them?

Possibly not. After several more minutes of awkward silence, I gave up. “I suppose…”

“Yeah…?”

“I should probably go home.”

“OK. Are we going to go out again tomorrow?”

“Shouldn’t you be trying to spend more time with Kevin?” I asked, surprised.

“I think he has another date tomorrow. That’s why he suggested tonight.”

“Vix, you should have told me. We could have rescheduled.”

“No…” she twisted her hands, awkwardly. “He asked me first, and I wasn’t comfortable, so I told him that you and I already had plans. That’s why I had to find you first thing today, so it wouldn’t really be a lie.”

I stared at her, incredulous. “Why are you even going to House Parties with this guy, if you’re not comfortable with him?”

“I told you, I don’t have a lot of choices. And I don’t want to be alone this year. I did that last year before I met you, and almost everybody else I knew had a date. It was horrible.”

I certainly agreed with that. That was going to be my own experience in a month, if I hadn’t changed back by then. It was yet another thing that I was trying not to think about. Still… “Vix, I think you either need to find a way to like being with this guy or cancel your date. You don’t really want to have to spend two nights with a guy you don’t like.”

“No, I’m sure it’s going to be all right. This afternoon wasn’t too bad, other than hurting my wrist.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“OK… You know, I really should be getting back home.”

“I guess so.”

“Take care of yourself. OK, Vix?”

“Yeah, you, too.”

She didn’t walk me out. I think we were both uncertain as to whether that was appropriate or not. And I walked home as I expected to be for some time. Alone.

It’s funny. When Nikki gave me “homework” about learning to pleasure myself, I was really eager to try it the first chance I got. That was when I couldn’t see any way to become male again; now, though, even though my chances still didn’t seem good, it felt almost like a betrayal of my male self to give in to the urge – as though I didn’t really care to change back. It was silly; I knew that. It would be just taking advantage of an unusual, and hopefully temporary situation. It wasn’t hurting anybody, and might make me feel better, but just then I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood right then; the day had been an emotional roller coaster for me, after all, and it was hardly resolved. What was I supposed to do about Vicky? On the one hand, she was an important connection to my past, and if all went well, an important part of my future; she was the only one who remembered the real me, and I could talk to her about things that nobody else would understand. On the other, she was incredibly allergic to any discussion of what I needed to do in the here and now to cope, to deal with the real possibility that I was never going to be Marshall again.

And should I offer to get together with her tomorrow night? I was feeling a lot of pressure to spend more time with my roommates, and maybe I should be encouraging Vicky to deal with the possibility that she was going to have to find another boyfriend. It hurt, thinking of her with Kevin or anybody other guy, but if I was unavailable, shouldn’t I be supporting her relationship?

Compared to all of these issues, the idea of touching myself down there was pretty straightforward, and even that was too much for me. Fortunately, I was exhausted, so I managed to fall asleep relatively early and didn’t have to keep agonizing over them.

It was Susie who gave me a part of the answer the next day. We were in the stands watching the football game again, and during a lull in the crowd noise, she commented, “You seem to be in a better mood, today, Marsh. Did everything work out for you?”

“Not really,” I admitted. “I did go from no apparent chance to a small chance, so that’s a positive.”

“‘A small chance’ of what?”

“Just something I’ve been worrying about a lot. You know. Relationships.”

“As in, ‘Will a certain boy call’?”

I laughed. “Nothing so mundane as that. How are things going with you and Phil?”

She rolled her eyes in response. “He’s really difficult; no wonder you gave up on him. He just can’t read hints, can he?”

“I guess not,” I shrugged, remembering what Lee Ann had said when I got back from break. “He just won’t let himself believe that a girl as pretty as you would actually be interested.”

“Thanks. Well, we’re all going out to a dance together tonight. Maybe I’ll just pull him onto the dance floor or something. Are you going to join us this time?”

“Um…” I bit my lip, considering. “One of my girlfriends wanted to hang out with me tonight.”

“Somebody not in our group? Bring her along.”

I tried to imagine Vicky getting along with Lee Ann and failed. Still… “I’ll ask her. I don’t know if she’ll like the idea, but I can try.”

When I called her after the game, Vicky was hesitant. “You know how I feel about Lee Ann, Marsh.”

“That was a different time line, Vix,” I insisted. “This Lee Ann never met me as a guy, and never tried to steal me away, if that’s even what she was doing. She’s a nice girl. Give her a chance.”

“You sure? Who’s boyfriend is she playing up to now?”

“Nobody’s. Look, she has a serious off-campus boyfriend, and the guy she’s been flirting with doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”

“So she’s just leading him on, is she?”

“No, you’ve got her all wrong. She’s not… look, she even offered to fix the guy up with me.” In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to say.

“With you?” she sputtered. “And what did you say?”

“What do you think I said? That I wasn’t interested. But the point is, neither is she, and she’s not trying to monopolize him or anything.”

“I see,” she said in a tone that evinced her desire to smack Lee Ann across the face. “And what does this guy think is going on?”

“Um…” That was kind of an awkward question, given what Geoff had told me. “He knows she has a boyfriend.” I didn’t think it would help my case to point out that Chandra had assured him that said boyfriend was ripe for dumping, as she had intimated to me as well. But that was hardly Lee Ann’s fault, was it?

“Hmm… maybe I will come along,” Vicky said. “Especially if this boy is there. He might need rescuing or something.”

I sighed. Her attitude was going to be a problem, but at least I’d be able to spend time with her and my roommates at the same time.

“Oh, one more thing, Vicky,” I remembered to say before hanging up. “If they ask how we met, tell them that we met Freshman week but didn’t actually become close until the summer.”

“What? Why not just tell them the truth?”

“That I used to be a boy?”

“Oh…. I guess not. That would be kind of awkward, wouldn’t it?”

“Terry actually knew Marsha at the time you and I were dating, so there’s really no other way to explain how she never met you without telling our secret.”

“OK, Marsh.”

I told her to meet us at the room after dinner and we hung up.

We had a fairly large group that evening: the three of us, Greg, Vicky, Susie, Phil, Chandra, Rajiv and Geoff, Fred, Sam, Lisa and Sheila. Greg and Terry quickly vanished to the dance floor, as did Chandra and Rajiv and Lee Ann with Geoff. As the last of these couples left, Vicky leaned over to me, her hand gripping my arm.

“You didn’t tell me that Geoff was her latest victim,” she hissed.

“I did try to warn him, but Chandra keeps encouraging him.”

“Is Chandra the girl with Rajiv?”

“Mm hmm.”

As we were talking, Susie did manage to get Phil to dance with her; I didn’t see how. But just a moment later, Lee Ann and Geoff came back with a boy I didn’t know.

“Guys,” Lee Ann announced, “this is Geoff’s friend, Bill Tendler. Bill, that’s my roommate Marsh, her friend Vicky, Fed, Sam, Lisa, and Sheila.” She looked around. “Susie and Phil are dancing?”

A number of us murmured in the affirmative, and then Lee Ann looked expectantly at the newcomer.

“Would you like to dance, Marsh?” he asked me.

“Um… thanks, but no,” I managed. Vicky’s hand on my arm tightened suddenly.

Lee Ann sat next to me on the other side from Vicky and whispered in my ear, “This has to stop, Marsh. Bill is no threat and he’s not going to come on to you. He has a girlfriend back home, and just needs a girl to dance with. That’s all. It’s about time you got over your fear of guys.” To Bill, she added, “She’d love to dance with you,” and launched me out of my seat at him.

Confused, I looked back at Vicky, who seemed to be in shock, then at Bill who was watching me curiously. My brain was definitely not working just then and I couldn’t think of any reasonable excuse, so I followed him with trepidation. Not only was I about to dance with a boy, I had just left Vicky and Lee Ann sitting next to one another. Oh boy.

It was hard to speak over the music, but Bill tried. “What are you majoring in?” he shouted at me, as we started to dance. I’ve never really cared for what passes as dancing these days. In my grandparents’ time, they apparently had fairly formal dancing with actual steps and you could tell who was dancing with whom because they were always touching. I think modern dancing started in my parents’ time, and nowadays it seemed that you sort of danced at your partner than with her. Under the circumstances, though, I was grateful. Bill was gyrating eagerly to the music while I moved tentatively back and forth in his general vicinity. That made conversation doubly difficult, of course.

“Biology!” I yelled back. And then, just because it would be impolite not to, I added, “What about you?!”

“Math!”

Naturally, the music had stopped just before he shouted that, and he drew a lot of stares. I overheard somebody remark, “Yeah, I always thought ‘math’ would make a good curse word, too,” which got more than a few appreciative chuckles.

The band started again, and Bill evidently decided that conversation wasn’t the best use of his time, and started dancing again. I joined him. It’s not that I disliked dancing; in fact, I was sort of enjoying the motion and the music, and after a while I started swinging my hips, as I had at the concert. Of course, the fun part of dancing was enjoying your partner as well, and that simply wasn’t happening tonight.

Then the music changed. The next song was slow, and Bill pulled me in for a slow dance before I could react. He was tall enough that I couldn’t even see over his shoulder; I found myself staring wide-eyed at his chest from an inch or two away, my arms pulled in on either side of my head.

He must have felt my tension. “What’s wrong?” he asked, talking to the top of my head.

“Everything,” I managed. “Could we please just go back to the gang?”

“Huh?” he asked, surprised. “If you don’t want to slow-dance, why don’t we just go back to dancing the way we were?”

“No, you’ve already manhandled me, and I’m really not comfortable being with you. Let’s go.”

“Oh, sorry,” he said, and released me. “I just thought…” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I thought.” But he followed me back off the dance floor. “See, I’m used to dancing with Julia, and we always slow dance, and….”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I cut him off. “It’s done, OK?”

“Lee Ann’s going to kill me, and I don’t even know what I did wrong.”

“Look, you were just being… I mean, you weren’t thinking, is all.”

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” I snapped. “But I’m also through with dancing for now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

By now we had reached the place where my friends were sitting. Vicky and Lee Ann were talking, and Vicky seemed wary, but not openly hostile, which I took to be a good sign. I didn’t see Sam and Sheila, so presumably they had paired off.

“Back so soon?” Lee Ann asked us. “How was it?”

I shrugged. Lee Ann had moved to sit next to Vicky, so I dropped into her old seat and watched as she shot Bill a questioning look and got a shrug from him as well, although his looked guilty.

“She didn’t appreciate the slow dancing,” he admitted when she tilted her head at him. He sat in the seat next to me, which was much closer than I would have preferred. As far as I was concerned, Lee Ann’s little experiment was over, and he should really focus his attention elsewhere.

“Vicky tells me you two spent a bit of time together over the summer, Marsh,” Lee Ann said, changing the subject.

I nodded, suddenly wishing that Vicky and I had discussed what it was we were going to say that we had done. Fortunately, she jumped in then.

“I told Lee Ann about spending time at your parents’ house while they were away,” she said.

“Right. She came over to keep me company,” I agreed.

“This was when your parents took that second honeymoon?” Lee Ann asked. “Cool,” she said in response to my surprised nod. Apparently that was something else in my family’s life that had gone unchanged; plus, she had obviously known about it, but hadn’t been the one Marsha had invited over. I wondered why. I made a mental note to ask Tina about it.

“Marsh,” Vicky said suddenly, “I’ve just remembered that I have an art project due, and I need to get back to it. Can you walk me out?”

“Oh, sure,” I responded, and excused myself.

“What?” I asked Vicky, once we were far enough away not be overheard.

She gave me a poisonous look, “What was that like for you, slow-dancing with a boy?”

“Not very pleasant, and way too long,” I answered.

“Uh huh. Take a look, Marsh,” she said, bitterly. “This is your future, if you don’t change back. Lee Ann is going to keep pushing you into situations like this. Your friends are going to expect you to date boys and dance with boys and fuss over boys, and do all kinds of things most girls usually do. Is that what you want?”

“I don’t see what else…”

“You don’t, huh? You said that you needed to start getting used to living as a girl, maybe. I just wanted to remind you why you’re not going to be comfortable. Don’t lose sight of that, Marshall. Being my boyfriend again is your only realistic future.”

We had gotten to the outside door, and Vicky paused before leaving. “Have fun with Lee Ann; I’m sure she has even more… creative ideas for you.”

I returned to my friends only see Lee Ann glaring at me. Suddenly she stood up and said, “Oh, I really need to fix my makeup. I’ll be right back. Marsh… you want to join me?”

I can’t say I’d really gotten into this girls-going-to-the-bathroom-together thing, but it had sounded more like an order than a request, so I went. As soon as we had gotten inside, she rounded on me, fists on her hips, and demanded, “Have you been raped?”

“What?! No!”

“Groped?”

“No What are you talking about?”

“Well, I can’t think of any other excuse for the way you treated poor Bill.”

“But he–”

“He what? He danced with you? Oh horrors!” She put her hand to her forehead in imitation of a heroine from a melodrama. “Whatever is the world coming to when boys actually dance with girls after asking them?”

“But he put–” I started to protest.

“What? His arms around you? When you were slow-dancing? Did he touch you below the waist?”

“Um, not, but–”

“Did he touch you anywhere inappropriate?”

“No…” I admitted.

“You were dancing, Marsh. When a couple dances together, they’re supposed to touch. It’s a social thing. Nobody asked you to hook up with him on the dance floor.”

“But I’m not really attracted–”

“You don’t have to be attracted to a boy to dance with him! It’s a social thing, Marsh! That’s why we do it in public! He didn’t ask you for a date! He didn’t ask you to go back to his room! He just asked you to dance.”

“But…”

“You need to get over this, Marsh. You were not being molested. You were not being threatened. I asked him to be gentle with you, since you seem to have some kind of hang-up about spending time with a boy. Hang-up? More like freak-out city! I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“But you see…”

“No. You see. You’ve been miserable about not having a boyfriend, about not having dates, for way too long. Tonight is the night we start fixing that. Tonight is the night we start dealing with your problem.

“The first thing you’re going to do is march back out there and apologize. Then you’re going to go back on the dance floor and dance. And that includes slow dances, and you are going to do them right. This isn’t about sex, Marsh. Dancing is fun. Slow dancing, even with a guy you’re not interested in should be fun, too. When was the last time you hugged a boy? And I don’t mean in one of your plays”

“Um…” If I was answering for Marsha, it could well have been when she broke up with Dirk, and I didn’t know exactly when that was. I guess I could have count the make-up hug with Jared, but that had been after we were friends and it hadn’t been sexual at all, and it sort of was associated with the play. The question seemed to have been rhetorical, though, as Lee Ann didn’t wait for an answer.

“Hugs don’t have to be sexual, either. I hug the guys in our group all the time, just to say hello or good-bye. There’s something very comforting about wrapping your arms around another person, about physical closeness to another person. I think it’s like a basic human need or something. If you spent more time hugging guys as friends and less time hiding from your own shadows, you’d feel a lot better.”

“’Hiding from my shadows’?” I repeated. “My shadows are… well, I guess that doesn’t matter.”

Suddenly she came over to me and took my hands. “Of course it matters, Marsh,” she said in a much gentler tone. I can tell that something is seriously bothering you, and you won’t tell me what it is. I’m trying to help, but I’m working blind, here. Can you tell me now? Is there some reason that what I’ve said doesn’t make sense?”

I shook my head sadly. “No, No, you’re right. I need to… I mean I know that I have to start…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not comfortable with who I am, Lee Ann. With who I might be. I keep thinking I have it under control, and then something just sets me off.”

I think the problem right now was just that I was being whipsawed in so many directions, so quickly. Just a few days ago, this had been just a lark. I had been sure it was temporary, so I hadn’t mind pretending. Well, to be honest, even then I had freaked out about Jared, and all he had done was to make a lewd suggestion. But Bill…?

Objectively speaking, Bill hadn’t really done anything wrong. Certainly he hadn’t done anything I hadn’t done when I was still Marshall. Boy, I was really acting like a queen bitch, wasn’t I? It wasn’t fair, not to him, not to Lee Ann, and not to any of my other friends. Could I blame this on my period? Maybe, but did I really want to? Definitely not.

If I wasn’t going to share my problems with my new friends, the least I could do was not to take it out on them. If only for my own self-respect, I really needed to get control of my emotions, or at least figure out how to react more sensibly. I owed Bill an apology, at the very least.

Before Lee Ann could say anything, a girl I didn’t know poked her head out of one of the stalls. “Is it safe to come out? Are you guys done yelling?”

Lee Ann and I looked at each other in shock and then started laughing. We had simply not considered the possibility that there might be someone in the bathroom with us. The girl stared at us, then washed up and deliberately began fixing her makeup.

As we left together, Lee Ann took my arm and spoke softly. “We’ll talk about that later. Can you try dancing with Bill, as I suggested? Maybe you can use your acting here, if that’ll help.”

Gamely, I agreed. “I can try. I’m really not comfortable, slow-dancing with– I mean, I’m not comfortable, slow-dancing.”

“I think it is important for you to get comfortable.”

“I know,” I whimpered. “You’re right. I have to be social. I have to… OK”

I didn’t want to be queen bitch. If nothing else, it was my self-image at stake, here. So when we got back to where our friends were sitting, I walked over to Bill and cleared my throat. Better to take care of this right now.

“Bill… I’m sorry. I was ru– I, uh, overreacted, and I said some things that were unfair and…” I caught Lee Ann’s eye. “I… I think… if you’re up to it… and you don’t mind… I’d like to try again.”

I had clearly surprised him, as he looked over at Lee Ann and gave her an impressed nod, then turned back to me. “Is now OK?”

“Sure,” I replied and followed him back onto the dance floor. He offered his hand, but I wasn’t quite ready to start holding hands with a boy. Not yet. I was pleased to see that he didn’t make a big deal out of my reluctance.

We started with the random gyrating thing again, but after a few dances, Bill suddenly started doing some kind of formal step; when I had trouble copying him, he took my hands to lead me. Despite my intentions, I flinched at first, but then forced myself to relax and to follow him. I’m not a bad dancer – for an actor, that is – but following was a whole new idea for me, and it took me most of the song before I got the basic idea.

A few dances later, the music turned slow. I looked around and noticed Lee Ann and Geoff watching, so I took a deep breath, put my arms around Bill’s neck, and leaned my head against his chest. I managed not to flinch when he put his arms around my back, and we swayed to the music together.

The closest experience that I could think of to this was Dad hugging me when I was home over break after my change, or maybe when I was about ten or eleven years old and still much shorter than he. There was an element of comfort in having somebody hold me, especially somebody so much larger. The biggest discomfort was the obvious indication that he was turned on, sticking right in my belly.

I couldn’t really comment; I’d been in his situation myself,  more than once. To keep myself from focusing on it, and possibly to divert his thoughts, I asked, “So, your girlfriend isn’t at Piques?”

“No,” he said, again talking into the top of my head, “she’s at Penn State.”

“And what are you guys majoring in?”

“Well, she’s a civil engineer, and I’m a math major.”

“Oh, right,” I realized. “I asked you that already, didn’t I?”

Talking into his chest felt funny, so I turned my head to look up at him. That was a mistake, as he was leaning over to hold me, and it put my face just inches from his – way too close to be comfortable. I’d been that close to Jared on stage, but never like this with a guy in real life. The fact that our bodies were pressed so close together at the same time only made it worse and I hurriedly put my face back down in his chest.

He started to laugh and then stopped. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to… but the way you reacted…”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry. I’m just a bit weirded out by this whole thing.”

“Have you never slow-danced before?”

“Um…” I had certainly done so with girls, and Marsha had almost certainly slow-danced with Dirk, so ‘no’ would be a lie. What was new was me slow-dancing as a girl with a boy. So I just told him the truth that I could. “This is a new experience for me.” Let him misread that how he chose.

“We can stop, if it’s bothering you.”

“No,” I insisted. “No, I’m sorry. I really need to get used to this.”

This time he allowed himself to laugh. “You do realize that this isn’t supposed to be painful.” He really was going out of his way with me, treating me better than I probably deserved.

“It’s not,” I admitted. “It’s just awkward.”

He started to release me.

“No!” I protested. “Just a bit long longer.” It wasn’t really unpleasant, being held. Lee Ann had been right. I’d resisted a lot of her ideas; maybe I should start listening more?

“OK, if you’re sure.”

The song ended not much later and we went back to dancing apart, but I was still a bit shaky, and he noticed. “Let’s take a break,” he suggested. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Sure, thanks,” I said. “Um, a Cherry Coke or a Root Beer would be great.”

He headed off for the drinks, and I returned to our seats. I was a bit wobbly on my feet; that slow dance had definitely affected me. The only ones seated when I got there were Greg and Terry, looking very much out of breath, and Susie and Phil. The latter were looking quite a bit more comfortable with each other than before. Phil looked like a guy who couldn’t believe his luck – well, then I was happy for him. Susie was a much better fixation for him than I was. At least she liked boys.

Bill showed up with my Cherry Coke, accompanied by Lee Ann and Geoff. After handing me my soda, it seemed the most natural thing in the world for him to drop into an empty seat next to me. Lee Ann took the seat on my other side and gave me an approving look. I suppose I had just taken a major step. I had danced with a boy; I had actually let a boy put his arms around me in a social situation without freaking out, without being on stage. I can’t say that it had ever been high on my list of goals, but just now it seemed like a pretty decent accomplishment.

Something I really appreciated about Bill was that he didn’t try to act as though we were a couple. He brought me a drink and danced with me, but that was it. He didn’t try to hold my hand, touch me when we weren’t on the dance floor, or walk me home. We were just two people who happened to have danced together a bit. It was very nice.

“You seemed pretty comfortable dancing when you let yourself get into it, Marsh,” Lee Ann observed as we walked home.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I had been a bit uptight. Um… thanks for yelling at me. I did enjoy myself.”

“Any time you need somebody to yell at you, Marsh, Lee Ann’s your girl,” Terry commented, snuggled into Greg’s arm.

I was suddenly aware that I was the only one walking alone. Of the other single girls, Vicky had left early, and the others had paired off at the dance. Geoff and Lee Ann weren’t actually touching, but were walking close to enough to be seen as a couple to anyone who didn’t know otherwise. It’s not that I wanted to be with anybody in particular, but it seemed really ironic, given my dating history, that I would be the only one without somebody.

“Anyway, you’ve taken a big step,” Lee Ann added. “If we work on it, maybe you’ll be ready for an actual date soon?”

“Let me know if you need any ideas, Marsh,” Susie added. “You were really helpful to me.”

“How’s that?” Phil asked her.

“Nothing…” she said. “But keep it in mind, Marsh.”

I forced myself to smile, and as soon as we got to the dorm, disappeared into my bedroom. I didn’t really want to encourage my friends’ thoughts along that path. There were some lines that I was simply not willing to cross.

At rehearsal the next day, we did one of Alvin’s “games.” In order to help us get comfortable with our lines without thinking about them, he had us run the entire show, double-time. The idea was to make knowing your next line a reflex, since you couldn’t stop and ask yourself, “What’s my next line?”

When one of us stumbled over a line, or even took to long to say it, Nikki fed it to us, rapid-fire. The main focus was on keeping up the rhythm, and she kept us going and going, obviously having done this with Alvin before. It was very rough at first, but we soon learned to anticipate when our lines were coming up.

The acting certainly suffered; you can’t change your timing like that and keep the same emotion. My kiss with “Giles” turned into a quick peck, my screams turned into gasps, and Trotter’s slow interrogation of the survivors turned into a series of snapped-off questions. We finished the entire show in about forty-five exhausting minutes and then took a break.

I collapsed into the chair next to Jo, who was the only one of us not out of breath at that point, having had the entire shortened second act to recover.

“Fun, huh?” she said.

“Yeah, I think I’ve got the hang of it, now,” I gasped, high on adrenaline from the drill.

“Did you guys do this last year?”

“Last…?” I started, before remembering that Marsha had done two shows with Alvin. “Oh, um, yeah.” Which I thought sounded authoritative enough for Marsha, but ambiguous enough in case he had only done it with one of his shows.

“So…” Jo said, nodding her head toward the room. “What do you think?”

“About the rehearsal?”

“No… Jared.”

“Um… I think he’s doing a great job.”

She gave me an “are you being stupid?” look and said, “Marsh, c’mon. What do you think?”

I stared at her, clueless for a moment. Then something in her expression clicked. She liked Jared! My own experience with him had forced me to classify him a harmless friend, and the idea that a girl would actually be interested took some rethinking. To cover up my hesitation, I said, “Oh! Yeah… probably!”

“I just can’t believe he doesn’t already have somebody.”

Given the way he’d come on to me, I can’t say that I was really surprised, but if Jo was interested, I wanted to be a bit tactful.

“Well, I think his technique needs some work,” I ventured, and that brought a laugh.

“I think you intimidated him. He probably just needs the right handling.”

“And you’re just the girl to do that,” I suggested.

“Thanks!” she said, and as if I had just given her permission, she got up and sat next to Jared, who was studying his script by himself.

I looked up to see Nikki finish a conversation with Alvin and head in my direction. “Good job,” she complimented me as she took Jo’s vacated seat. Then she smirked, “How’s the homework coming?”

“Actually,” I admitted, a bit embarrassed, “I sort of decided not to do it.”

“What?”

In a lowered tone, I explained, “I just didn’t think it would be appropriate.”

Nikki stared at me, looked around, and then leaned in closer. “You’re being silly, Marsh. Why wouldn’t it be appropriate?”

“Um, not in front of everyone.”

“Wait, you’re serious?”

I couldn’t meet her glance as I replied, “Yeah.”

Her tone turned sympathetic and concerned. “OK, what’s going on?”

“Not in front of everyone,” I repeated.

“O… K… Sounds as though somebody needs another pep session over tea at my place.”

I nodded. “I suppose. A bunch has happened in the last few days.”

After we ran – and I mean ran – the show once again in double time, Nikki took my arm and we walked to her room. I wasn’t really crazy about the closeness; it seemed wrong, given where my head was, suddenly, but I didn’t want to pull away.

When we reached her dorm, she sat me down in her sewing room again and went to make tea. I had been thinking about how to explain this without sounding totally stupid, and I hadn’t reached any great breakthroughs by the time she came back, handed me a cup of tea and looked expectantly at me.

“Thing is,” I started, “I just felt that it was kind of, you know, the kind of thing one girl could tell another.”

“Yes…?”

“Well, I figured out something that might give me a way back, so I don’t know that I should think of myself of a girl now.”

She stopped in mid-sip. “Wait. You what?”

“I had an idea.” I explained about Eric, and how he was going to look for a paper from the professor behind the experiment.

“And is that likely to work?”

“Well… I think there’s a chance, anyway.”

“And what does that have to do with learning about your body?”

I looked away. “I just didn’t think it’s something a guy should be allowed–”

“Are you insane?”

“Huh?”

“Or just stupid? Because if you’re trying to convince me that you’re really a boy, that seems to be a good approach.”

“Wait. I…”

But she wasn’t letting me finish. “You claimed to have dated a lot of girls in your old life, Marsh. Were you a virgin?”

“What?! No! I had sex with lots of–”

“And I guess you weren’t very good at it, huh?”

“Nikki!”

“I’m trying to make a point. The functioning of the female anatomy is not something most girls want kept secret from their boyfriends. If you ever become a boy again, it is something that your girlfriends will wish you knew. You have a unique opportunity to get to experience what feels good down there – and it’s something that will be valuable to you whether you change back or not.”

“Um…”

“And I cannot believe that you couldn’t figure that out, so there’s some other reason you didn’t try, Marsh.”

I tensed. “Like what?”

“You tell me,” she said, suddenly calm again.

“If I knew…” but I stopped under her gaze. “Well… it just feels…”

“… As though you’d be jinxing the whole thing if you allowed yourself to enjoy being a girl?”

“I… I don’t know. It just…” I shook my head. “If acting like a girl jinxes anything, I probably blew it last night, anyway.”

“Oh?”

“Lee Ann talked me into slow dancing with a boy. Well… she sort of browbeat me into it, actually.”

Her head came up at that. “Did she! Good for her! How was it?”

I squirmed a bit. “Not bad, I guess. I mean… it was kind of weird, only…”

“Yes…?”

“I like having my arms around somebody else. I just wish it was me being the guy.”

“Well, maybe it will be again, one day. In the meantime, you got some enjoyment, right? And nobody was hurt?”

“Maybe. Vicky wasn’t pleased, though.”

“How does Vicky come into all of this?”

“Well, that’s really complicated.” I repeated what Vicky had told me about dating Kevin, and how she had reacted to my dancing with Bill.

Nikki sounded concerned. “So she’s going to be a problem about you, um, exploring your female side.”

“Probably,” I agreed. “I’m not all that comfortable with it, myself, but I can sort of recognize that I need to do it – at least some of it. Maybe not as far Lee Ann wants me to go.” I shuddered at the thought of following all of her suggestions. Being stuck for an entire weekend with a boy who thought he could make me his girlfriend was about the most horrific thing I could think of right then.

“Marsh, think of it this way, then. Not only is this a way for you to deal with what you might need to deal with… the more insight you have into how girls live, the more sympathetic a boyfriend you could be if you change back.”

“I suppose. Maybe I can explain that to Vicky. I’m sure she had plenty of complaints about what kind of a boyfriend I was; maybe she’ll appreciate the chance to improve me.” I looked Nikki in the eye. “But none of her complaints were about sex. She liked sex with me.”

Nikki grinned. “OK.”

“The thing is, I know this is really hard for her. I’d have thought that she could just find another guy – not that I really want her to, of course,” I added hastily. “At least… it would probably be better for her, but she seems to think that… well, that she’s never going to find another boyfriend as good as me.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“That’s what she says.”

“And I’ll bet you just eat that right up.”

“Well… I mean, yeah, it makes me feel good, but at the same time I’m worried about her.”

“So… what kind of relationship do you two have, now?”

I put down my teacup. “That’s difficult. I mean, I still lo– care for her, and I think she does for me, too… but it’s awkward. We’re used to relating on a certain level…”

“As in, ‘horizontal’?”

“No! Our relationship was never just about sex. I mean, that was important, but we enjoyed each other’s company, too.”

“And now?”

I stood up, too agitated to sit. “It’s weird. I mean, I think we still like being together, it’s just…”

“Your old habits don’t work.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s it. Plus, it really bothers Vicky, my being like this, even more than it bothers me, I think – and it really bothers me, don’t get me wrong.”

“But when you look at her, you see the girl you’ve been in love with. When she looks at you, she sees a girl standing between her and her boyfriend.”

“I… never thought of it that way.”

She nodded.

“Oh man, and I really hurt her, you know? I mean, before. I sort of abandoned her to chase after… well, another girl. And after this happened, she still went looking for me, to take me back.”

“I’m not sure if that’s commendable or pathetic.”

“Nikki!”

“Sorry, Marsh. Maybe if I met the girl I’d like her, but I’m not crazy about what I’m hearing from you.”

“Maybe I should introduce the two of you. She’s really a nice person. I… I think she only wants what’s best for me. And she’s like my anchor. She’s helping keep me sane. If I didn’t have her in my life… I don’t know. At least she makes it easy for me to remember who I am.”

Nikki took a final sip from her cup and then put it on the side table next to her sewing box. “Marsh, if she’s that important to you, I can forgive her – for now. But you need to make sure that she really is trying to think of what’s best for you, and not just trying to hold you back because it will make her feel better.”

I nodded, and didn’t argue any further. I trusted Vicky, but I didn’t know any great way to convince Nikki that she was alright. Maybe I’d just have to introduce the two of them at some point.

I started thinking about Nikki’s “homework” before dinner. On the one hand, despite what Nikki had said, I wasn’t quite sure I was ready for the implied surrender to girliness; on the other, I was intensely curious about what it would be like, and it’s not as if it would be hurting anyone.

Still, I started guiltily when Chad called.

“Oh, hey, Chad!” I said.

“Marsh, I just spoke with your sister. What the Hell, dude?”

“Um… what?”

“Tina says you gave up! I thought we were talking about strategies, Marsh. I’d have thought at least you’d call me!”

“I haven’t… wait, Chad you don’t have all the facts!”

“Well, enlighten me, then. Your sister’s pretty confused and a little bit upset, but she wanted to give you time. She said you weren’t in the mood to talk – but that’s girl logic. If you’re supposed to be really a guy, you don’t get that kind of break.”

“It’s… complicated, Chad.”

He snorted in derision. “No, you’re making it complicated. Tell me flat out – have you given up? Have you decided that you don’t want to change back now?”

“Let me explain, Chad,” I pleaded.

“Maybe you like being a girl? Found some guy you’re hot for?”

“No!”

“What, then?”

“Well… when I called Tina… well, it’s pretty clear that I’m not going to find those guys by walking around the physics building.”

“So you try something else, right?”

He made it sound so easy. “The problem, Chad, is that I couldn’t think of something else to try. I was pretty sure that there wasn’t anything else.”

“Uh huh.” Then he paused, considering what I had said. “You were sure? You couldn’t think of anything? Does that mean that now you have thought of something?”

“Yes.” I explained again about Eric and the search for papers that might hint at time travel.

“But if there’s a cover up, wouldn’t they hide the papers, too?”

I laughed. “You get right to the point, don’t you?”

“Well am I wrong?” he insisted.

“Well, the idea is that the profs have to publish their papers to keep their jobs. It would be kind of hard to get the articles out of the journals just because Piques wanted to hide somebody.”

“I see. But you’re letting this guy do the search for you? It all seems a bit passive. You’re sure you’re still a guy? Shouldn’t you being doing something to help?”

“If I could… but I don’t know physics – I wouldn’t know what to look for.”

“Uh huh… So, why haven’t you told Tina all this?”

That was sort of an uncomfortable point with me, actually. I really hated keeping secrets from Tina. Tina was my confidant. Still…

“The problem is, I probably shouldn’t have told her in the first place, Chad. I mean, you saw how upset she was that first day, right?”

“Yeah…”

“So, I don’t know if this is actually going to work. There’s a pretty good chance that I am stuck. And if I’m not… well, wouldn’t it be kinder not to tell Tina?”

This time he didn’t answer for quite a few seconds, although he did sigh. “Marsh, I don’t know what’s best to do with Tina. If you think it’s better not to tell her, that’s your business. But you’ve been saying that you remember me as your ‘best friend’ and I’ve been trying to live up to that. Now, maybe there’s something that’s not connecting in that girl brain of yours, but with guys, if you’re working on something and somebody is helping you, you need to let them know if there’s something big going down. OK?”

His words shamed me. Guys aren’t supposed to let something like a little depression stop them. We’re supposed to keep going, no matter what, and I really should have called him. “I won’t do it again,” I promised. “If something big happens, I’ll tell you.”

“Cool. So… um, how are things?”

“Very confusing,” I laughed. “My roommates are pushing me to date boys and dance with boys, and so on. They’re convinced that I’ll be miserable if I don’t have a date for House Parties.”

“Uh… yeah. OK. Well, stay firm, dude. Keep ‘em hang– I mean… just, um… take care of yourself.”

“Yeah, you, too, Chad.” Then I remembered something. “Oh, did you ever work out that thing with Kathy?”

“What thing with…? Oh, yeah, we worked that out weeks ago.”

“Oh. Sorry. I just remembered that I hadn’t asked you about it.”

“Don’t worry about it. Anyway… talk to you later, right?”

“Right.”

I had to laugh after hanging up. Chad would never have understood about me exploring between my legs, not now. On the other hand, in some ways he had actually made it easier for me. It would certainly be normal for a guy to be very interested in touching a girl down there – I just had the twist that I could tell what it felt like directly, without needing a girl to tell me. Yeah, I knew what I was going to be doing tonight.

I had just started dinner when Sheila sat down, looking very excited. “Sam asked me to House Parties!”

“Good for you!” Terry commented, sitting across from me. I didn’t see Sam, but several other girls – and Phil – added their congratulations. The only other guy at the table, Jay, rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything.

“That’s more than half of us with dates,” Lee Ann said thoughtfully to Terry and me as we walked back to our dorm room afterward. “And if Phil asks Susie… hmm, maybe we need to call a meeting to work this out.”

“Why do we need a meeting?” I protested.

“Just to make sure that everyone is set,” she told me patiently. “And that includes you.”

“No,” I told her. “I’m not interested.”

“That’s only because you haven’t found the right boy,” she replied, as I rolled my eyes. She wasn’t giving up easily.

Terry leaned over to Lee Ann and fake-whispered, “I think Marsh should go with Jay. All of that fighting just has to indicate a deeply concealed mutual attraction.”

I might have argued, but the two of them collapsed into giggles over the idea, and I settled for a wry, “You guys…” I guess as long as they were still joking about it, I didn’t have to worry too much.

“Seriously, though, Marsh,” Lee Ann said as we reached our room, “You’re making way too big a deal of this. We’re not trying to marry you off or anything. You had fun dancing with Bill, didn’t you?”

That was safe enough. “Yeah, I suppose so – but that was just dancing. Nothing else.”

“That’s all I’m talking about. We’ll find you a guy to dance with for a couple of nights, and if the two of you hit it off, so much the better.”

“No,” I insisted. “Lee Ann, I really appreciate this, but… well, I just don’t want to go this year.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Why not? Just give me one good reason, Marsh. You were upset last year when you didn’t have a date. You were upset just a few days ago when your friend found a date and you didn’t. You know you’re going to be miserable if you stay here in the room all alone when the rest of us are partying. So what’s the idea? Why won’t you let us find you a date?”

At that point, if I had still been worrying about trying to play the role of Marsha, I think I would have given in. After all, I’d managed to kiss Jared as Giles while playing the role of Mollie – I could have treated this as just another role I was playing; however, since I had decided that this might be my own life for, well, for the rest of my life, I wasn’t ready to do that. And that meant that I needed to come up with an answer. If only I had a good one.

“I’m just… confused about a lot of things right now, Lee Ann. And… I’m really not ready. I just… I’m just not ready.”

“And when exactly do you expect to be ready?” she demanded, tapping her foot.

I couldn’t meet her eyes. “I don’t know. I guess… if I’m not ready by the Spring House Parties, I guess I’ll never be.” By that time, I would either have changed back or be forced to admit that it’s probably never happening. And if I really was stuck… I’d have decisions to make. At the very least, I’d have to figure out how to square my lack of interest in either boys or girls with my desire for a relationship of some kind. But at least I could put that off for a while.

“You know,” Terry suggested, “you could just come with us without a date. I’m sure Greg and Steve would be happy to dance with you once in a while.”

I smiled in what I hoped was appreciation. “Thanks, but seriously, I’m just going to sit this one out. House Parties are really for couples, and I’m not ready to be part of a couple, even for an evening.”

“And you’re going to be OK with that?”

“I’m just going to have to be, won’t I?” And with that, I thanked my roommates for their concern and sailed into my bedroom. I had a bunch of homework waiting for me, both the conventional type and that assigned me by my good friend, Nikki.

Alone in my room, I hesitated. I’d been giving this way too much of a buildup, and I knew that was likely only to end in disappointment. I decided that it would be better to think of it as something of a research project than a hope at immense physical pleasure. Accordingly, the goal was going to be knowledge, not a sexual climax. My initial attempt had made me suspect that it was a lot harder for girls, anyway.

First, I had to get myself in the mood. Well, I knew the trick for that; I stood before the mirror and hitched up my skirt and unbuttoned my blouse. It hadn’t been a fluke – for some reason the prospect of myself in revealing clothing was really a turn on. It was very strange, and yet… it worked. Maybe I would look into actually buying myself some appropriate clothing. I’d only wear it in my room, of course. The problem was, I wasn’t too sure of my finances – could I really afford to buy something like that? Something that would essentially just be a sex toy?

When I was sufficiently turned on, I took off all of my clothes and climbed into bed with a small mirror that I had purchased at the student store. After a moment, I got back out of bed and grabbed a flashlight as well.

My first glimpse of “down there” was jolting. Intellectually I knew what to expect, but I hadn’t actually looked at my own female genitalia since I had acquired them. It was yet another visible reminder of my reality. You’re being foolish, I chastised myself. You’ve been a girl for well over a month. It’s about time you stopped being shocked.

And yet… I had never had the occasion before this for an extended examination of a vulva. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you’d normally ask your girlfriend. As a doctor, I would one day be doing this on a regular basis as an intern on a shift with the OB/GYN department. I could think of this as just another part of my eventual medical education – with the twist that I was doing it pretty much unguided.

In the spirit of exploration, I tried a bunch of things; it was interesting to see how differently my new parts responded than what I had been used to. It didn’t take too long before my feigned clinical detachment went by the wayside, and I began to enjoy myself. It was so different from being a guy – it would start to feel good and then I’d relax and keep touching myself, and then it would build up again. There was no definite end to it. And then I was just too tired to continue and still had trouble getting to sleep. What a pain.

Nikki pulled me aside just as I got to rehearsal the next day. “I’m going to be measuring for costumes today, Marsh. Want to help out?”

“I’m not sure how much help I can be,” I warned her. “Remember that I don’t…” I paused as some members of the cast passed us, and then continued in a whisper, “I don’t have you-know-who’s memories.”

“It’s OK. I’ll write down what I need. I figure you probably know something about men’s measurements, though, right?”

I chuckled. “I think I can handle that.”

“So… any progress on the ‘homework’?” she asked in a confidential tone.

“Well…” I admitted, “I did a bit of exploring. I wasn’t too impressed.”

She raised her eyebrows. “What does that mean?”

“Well, my girlfriends seemed to get really excited during sex, and seemed really to be enjoying themselves. Now I’m wondering if they were just faking everything for my benefit. I mean, it was nice, but nothing to scream about.”

She laughed. “I think we need to have another private chat, Marsh. You’ll be surprised. How are you feeling, otherwise?”

“Pretty good, actually,” I admitted. “I finally dealt with my House Parties problem. I told my roommates to stop worrying about me. I’m just not going to go. I’m going to deal with the fact that I’m by myself.”

“Oh,” she said, surprised. “Was that an issue?”

“Well, yeah. I told you, I’m not attracted to anyone. I’m asexual, and it really bothers me. I like being part of a couple. But I can’t be now, and I’m just going to accept it.”

“Just like that?”

“Well… I guess I just want to stop them trying to fixing me up with a boy. It’s getting really annoying.”

She snickered. “I guess that would be uncomfortable for you.”

“So, I just need to deal with it. Compared to my other problems, it’s pretty minor, I guess.”

“Especially now that you have a way to give yourself pleasure without help?”

“No!” I protested, maybe a bit too loudly. I looked around, though, and nobody seemed to have noticed, amid all the pre-rehearsal socializing. “It has nothing to do with that,” I said, firmly. “It’s just me taking control of my life. I mean, OK, dancing once in a while with a guy could be nice, but that’s as far as I’m ready to go. I just feel safer by myself. Besides, it’ll give me a good chance to work on my chords.”

“Well good for you, then. I’m glad you’re not feeling lonely any more.”

“I didn’t say–” I started, but I was cut off.

“OK, people, let’s get started,” Alvin said in a raised voice. “We’re going to run the whole show, without prompting. If somebody drops a line, find a way out of it.”

“I didn’t say that,” I repeated before rushing to get into place. “I’ve just added it to the things I’m not thinking about.”

Thanks to our double-time drills the day before, we didn’t actually have too many dropped lines, and we were pretty much able to recover when we did, which was good, considering we were opening in a week and a half. There was one bit when I wasn’t on stage that was a bit rough, and those of us watching agonized with those onstage, as they ad libbed until they get back into the scene, but that’s part of the fun of live theater. It was pretty obvious that Jared, who had made the error, was going to study those lines pretty carefully before our next rehearsal.

We took a break between the acts, and I picked up the clipboard and tape measure and approached my first targets. “I have to measure you guys for costumes,” I told Jared and Pete, who were talking together.

“Sure you have long enough tape measure?” Pete joked. “I’m a pretty big guy.”

Considering that he was only a couple of inches taller than Jared, it was pretty obvious that he wasn’t referring to his height, and Jared gave him a disgusted look.

“Oh, for that I’ll have to get a microscope,” I informed him, earning a snort of laughter from Jared, and an amused grin from Pete. “Hold still.”

Partly because of our difference in heights, and partly to show that I hadn’t been bothered by his comment, I started with his inseam, and I wasn’t too surprised to see him try to take advantage of the situation, shifting his hips so that my top hand would slip from the top of his leg to his privates. I managed not to react, but coolly moved my hand back where it belonged. Jared noticed, though, and smacked him on the back of the head.

“Cut it out!” he said, annoyed.

Pete smirked, but mostly cooperated while I measured his leg, waist and chest. But when I reached behind him to measure his neck, he grabbed my forearms and quickly whispered, “we’ve got to stop meeting like this,” before releasing me. That time he did manage to embarrass me and I looked away, trying to collect myself, as Jared spun him around.

“What the Hell are you doing, jerk?” he demanded.

“Just teasing. Marsh knows its all in fun, right?”

“Well, stop it!”

I gave Jared a grateful look, and tried a withering one on Pete. “I’m finished with you. Could you get Jack for me, please.”

Jared looked at me curiously as I started to measure him. “You put up with that pretty well.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I decided that I didn’t need to let it get to me.”

“Good for you. Too bad you couldn’t have done that when we were talking in the Grill.”

I nodded. “Yeah, well, I’m learning.”

“So, if I made another pass at you, you’d take it a bit better?” he joked.

This time, I was able to laugh it off. After all, weren’t we friends? “Isn’t there supposed to be something going on between you and Jo?”

“How did you know about that?” he asked, clearly surprised.

“Girls do talk, you know. She even asked for my advice.”

“Oh? And what did you tell her?”

“No,” I smiled. “You first. Are you taking her to House Parties?”

He looked embarrassed. “I haven’t asked her yet. I mean, we’ve talked, but I wasn’t sure she didn’t already have someone.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I was pretty sure Jo had made her interests clear. Had I ever been so clueless as to what a girl wanted? Aside from Lee Ann, I remembered. And Vicky.

“Just ask her, will you?” There was something nice about helping out friends. So why did I have this tension in my heart? I’d already decided that I’d accepted not having a date, hadn’t I?

Jack showed up and I turned my attention to taking his measurements and getting them to Nikki. “It looked as though you were having a bit of trouble with Pete,” she said, as I handed over my work. “Is everything OK?”

I shrugged. “It was just a bit of banter. And I think I can safely say that I am more used to male banter than most girls.”

She laughed in appreciation. “I guess so.”

The second act went a bit more smoothly than the first had, and Alvin was very complimentary when he gave us notes. Then he finished with an announcement.

“Because of the Thanksgiving break, we’re not going to have rehearsal this Wednesday, so I want to rehearse Sunday night, instead. Please try to be back on campus in time for an 8:00 rehearsal. We’re going to be building the set tomorrow, so if you can help out, try to be here in the afternoon, and we’ll be starting with lighting on Monday night. We’ll be rehearsing every night next week, with final dress rehearsal on Thursday. Take care, all, and in case I don’t see you tomorrow, have an enjoyable Thanksgiving.”

Nikki caught me before I walked out. “Can you meet me back here tomorrow afternoon, Marsh? I could use your help picking out costumes. Fortunately, the action takes place in a single day, so we only need one costume for each person. The guys will be pretty easy, since men’s clothing hasn’t changed too much over the decades – I’m pretty sure we have plenty of stuff that will work in the costume room. You can use your blue print dress – it’s timeless and will look appropriate, but we’ll need to go through the racks to see what we can use for Jo and Naomi.”

“Happy to help,” I told her.

“And… I think it might be time for another… lesson.”